More Meme-y Goodness

Alternate title: Memes. Easier than thinking...

This one's from Ambulance Driver, and if I have to tell you again to go read him, I'm going to turn this truck around and we'll never get to the campground...

Here's the scoop:

1. Go to the Billboard #1 Hits listings
2. Pick the year you turned 18
3. Get yourself nostalgic over the songs of the year
4. Pick 5 songs and write something about how these songs affected you
5. Pass it on to 5 more friends (that's not how I roll...)

SO... Here's mine (and no, I'm not gonna divulge the year, I'm gonna make youse work for it...):

1. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" - Poison. Wow. I remember listening to this on the radio right after finding my girlfriend sitting on the lap of one of my closest friends. In short order, I then heard "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Stones and also "Love Bites" by Def Leppard. Yes, it was a true case of G-d as DJ...

2. "Wind Beneath My Wings" - Bette Midler. Heh. Just because my wife (girlfriend at the time) had a psychotic roommate in college who LOOOVED this song and played it over and over and over and over and... This girl is the only person to ever try to actually kill me (well, with the exception of pretty much every other driver on the road most days...)

3. "Right Here Waiting" - Richard Marx. Aw, man. Was there ever a better WORSE song to listen to right after getting dumped? Well, I mean, other than pretty much anything written by Journey that is... The only known antidote to "Right Here Waiting" is "Don't Shed a Tear For Me (My Life Won't End)" by Paul Carrack. Side note: "Look Away" - Chicago was a hit a scant three weeks before the start of this year, and is yet another really BAD song to hear after getting dumped...

4. "We Didn't Start The Fire" - Billy Joel. Simply because a buddy and I composed a parody of this song in 1998 after Clinton got impeached entitled: "We Just Impeached a Liar"...

5. "When I See You Smile" - Bad English. Don't really like the song, but it was Bad English that got me tickets to see Whitesnake in concert. A friend of a friend had got a bunch of tickets, and Bad English was the opening act. When they canceled, several people dropped out, and I picked up one of the extra tickets. This was the second time I got to see Steve Vai play in concert. Adrian Vandenberg just looked silly going on stage after Vai. Silly. Vai blew the place apart...

Anyone wants to pick up the ball and run with it, have at it...

Deep, Cleansing Breaths...

Alternate title: AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

What in the name of all that's good and holy is wrong with people today? In no particular order:

*To the moron in the blue Ford Explorer: You are only alive because there are laws specifically prohibiting murder. When you blow through a stop sign, making me slam on my brakes so hard my coffee spills out of the travel mug onto my dashboard, don't be surprised when you get an angry honk and a flashing of the lights. If you continue to flip off people that you have cut off, eventually you will encounter someone with less restraint than myself. I only wish I am there to witness the beating you so rightfully deserve.

*To idiots who live on busy streets, especially state highways: Back into your fucking driveway. Barring that, do NOT back out PERFECTLY STRAIGHT into the street, blocking both lanes of traffic, and then STOP DEAD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD. Pull out quickly and get the fuck going. Knowledge is power, and knowing what the fuck you're doing is key to not getting a municipal dumptruck running over your hood...

*To the town I drive through that continues to remove more asphalt without replacing the miles and miles of demolished road: I can only hope that a rare infectious disease afflicts the private parts of the persons responsible. You have turned my 15 mile, 35 minute commute into an hour-long ordeal because of your gross incompetence and/or outright malfeasance. Fuck off and die.

That is all.

Fuckin' Figures...

Taking the family to Yogi Bear's Jellystone Park this coming weekend, so naturally here's the forecast for the weekend:

FriJun 1
Scattered T-Storms
72°/55°
40%
72°F

SatJun 2
T-Showers
75°/53°
40%
75°F

SunJun 3
T-Showers
68°/52°
40%
68°F

Lovely. Cool and rainy the whole damn weekend. Stuck in a tin box with two hyperactive kids...

Rest in Peace, Charles...

Actor Charles Nelson Reilly Dies at 76

LOS ANGELES -- Charles Nelson Reilly, the Tony Award winner who later became known for his ribald appearances on the "Tonight Show" and various game shows, has died. He was 76.

Reilly died Friday in Los Angeles of complications from pneumonia, his partner, Patrick Hughes, told the New York Times.

Wait a minute. Charles Nelson Reilly was... gay??? Say it ain't so... (Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course...)

And I have no idea how to tell my son that the Dirty Bubble is no longer... It was hard enough explaining that Clifford the Big Red Dog had to be put down...

Life's Little Moments...

I consider myself a pessimist at heart. I've gone around the bright shiny thing enough times to know that Murphy was an optimist; that things are never so bad that they can't get worse; that if there are two ways for something to go wrong, it will always go wrong in the more expensive/dangerous/explosiver way; that idiots are quite resourceful; and that just when you think you've made something foolproof, they go and upgrade the fucking fool.

That said, today the sun is shining, it's warm out, lawn's mowed, errands are run, kids are playing happily together, and I'm going to the range.

Sometimes, life is good.

Enjoy today, folks. And remember tomorrow.

MArooned Movie Review: Shrek the Third

Took the family to see "Shrek the Third" tonight. We've seen both previous installments and the kids love the franchise; we saw "Shrek 2" in the theater when it came out; and we own both DVDs. It was more or less expected that we would see "Shrek the Third" in the theater, especially since we haven't seen a movie since "Meet the Robinsons"...

CAUTION: Slight spoilers ahead. Nothing that hasn't been in reviews and trailers, but nonetheless, if you want to be completely surprised, stop reading now...

I'd read a bunch of reviews, and very few were favorable. Not enough character development, some said. Mike Myers phoned it in this time, another said. Too few pop-culture references to keep mom & dad happy, chimed in a third. Yet another review didn't like the way the music was choreographed.

I'm happy to report that the unfavorable reviews were apparently written by people who watched some bizarre alternate universe version of "Shrek the Third", because I loved it. I didn't care much for "Shrek 2" because I felt that they went way overboard trying to cram in pop-culture references - where the original "Shrek" inserted sly twists on the fairytale standards, "Shrek 2" tried to cram and contort the old fairy tales into new and uncomfortable pop-culture twists. I didn't feel it worked.

Well, they must have gotten a lot of feedback similar to mine, because "Shrek the Third" recaptures much of the first "Shrek"'s magic. There are humorous takes on the different fairytale denizens (such as a Sleeping Beauty with sleep apnea); there are sly and subtle twists for the grown-ups in the audience; there's more... heart... in this version. Whoever wrote this screenplay has kids, that's for certain - the dads out there will agree with me that Shrek's fear and self-doubt struck a chord with my own feelings...

It's well-worth the money to see this in the theater. Considering that buying the DVD is pretty much automatic for me at this point when it comes to children's movies, that's saying a bit. I give "Shrek the Third" an unqualified MArooned endorsement.

That is all.

MORE Friday Gun Pr0n!

This time, over at og's. If this man learns and masters any more skills, he's gonna be dangerous. :)

Wow. Just Wow.

Ambulance Driver has a "if I knew then what I know now" post.

No quotes. Go. Read the whole thing.

Damn, that boy can write...

Friday's Featured Firearm

This Friday's Firearm is an homage to Smith & Wesson.

That's a S&W Model 38 Airweight .38 special, shrouded hammer (called "Bodyguard" by S&W). S&W schwag obtained on my trip to S&W, as was the Hogue bantam rubber grip, which makes the model 38 SOOOO much easier to carry...

That is all.

The Muse, She Finds You in the Weirdest Places...

Okay, talk about circular... the hilariously funny Ambulance Driver liked my self-defecating post so much he tossed me much linky-love. Reading through the comments, I came across this little gem:

I think the helmet is useful for low speed impact, "stupid fall"..Anyway, it's pretty useful to avoid bees!

Back when I got my first motorcycle, I was riding through the back roads of southern NH (no helmet law, that whole "Live Free or Die" thing...) and I had decided to go helmetless to see what the big deal was.

Wind in my hair (what was left of it at the time), bugs in my teeth, etc. Yeah, it's kinda neat and all, there's definite "freedom points" for riding into the wind. And I can even kinda grok the anti-helmet argument as encapsulated by: "If you want safe, take a cage" - yes, wearing a helmet is much safer than not; but if we were really concerned about safety, we wouldn't be on a bike.

(That said, the only time I don't wear my helmet is in bumper-to-bumper traffic, and that's only in July and August when it gets hot).

So, anyways, back to my anecdote...

I'm tooling down one this two lane blacktop at 55-60 MPH when I get hit square in the chin by a bee. A big one. Had to have been the size of a kaiser roll, with a stinger like a harpoon {/Calvin}.

It hurts. A lot. It felt like I got shot. Actually, scratch that, I've been shot, it hurt worse than getting shot - getting shot stings momentarily. This hurt and KEPT hurting.

Not to mention, the bee had apparently JUST finished his "bee business", because my entire beard was bright yellow from all the pollen the bee had been carrying...

Needless to say, I went out and bought a full-face helmet that afternoon... Still got it, although by all rights it should have been retired many years ago - helmets get brittle and lose their effectiveness at cushion your melon in a fall after ~ 5-7 years. Much like children's car seats.

End public service announcement.

Hypocritical Motherfucker...

Alternate title: More Laws For Thee, But Not For Me...

This makes my blood boil: Anti-Cell Phone Senator Crashes Car During Call

California State Sen. Carole Migden bounced her state-issued SUV off the concrete median on Interstate 80 and nearly ran other motorists off the freeway before slamming into the back of another vehicle last week, the California Highway Patrol and witnesses said Tuesday.

What's so infuriating? Well, first, there's this little bit of imperial bile:

"She kept saying, 'You can't talk to me like that, I'm a state senator,"' he said. "She was kind of wobbly. She didn't seem alert. She was not acting normally."

Fuck you, you self-important douchebag. State Senators rank well below fluff girls and only slightly higher than flashers.

Had it been my kid injured by this self-important windbag, she'd have sustained "delayed" injuries in the crash...

And there's also this:

Last year, Migden voted for a law that takes effect in July 2008 requiring drivers to use a headset or other hands-free device when talking on a cell phone while driving.An email to Migden's office asking whether she planned to comply sooner was not immediately answered.

Don't hold your breath waiting for an answer.

What a fucking hypocritical pussbag. One set of rules for the elite, another (more restrictive) set for the hoi polloi. Gah.

The Muse, She Has Returned!

Alternate title: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Og, this one's for you. Shitblogging. In spades.

Allow me to present: The Great Futon Incident.

The scene: A campground. A family campground. Located in the wilds of northern New Hampster.

The players: A dozen young-20-somethings.

Time frame: A long weekend.

...

It was time to go camping. What started out as a simple "guy's weekend away" snowballed into what would come to be called "The Greatest Camping Trip in the History of Western Civilization" (okay, it was just one participant who declared it suchly, but it stuck anyways). Twelve guys, all in our early 20s, no "adults" to speak of, four tents, several pickup trucks, and a remote campground.

Sustenance consisted of a large package of frozen hamburgers, two bulk packages of hot dogs, chips, Pop-tarts, and beer.

Lots of beer. Beer for breakfast. Beer for lunch. Beer for dinner. Beer for midnight snack. We had one cooler dedicated to food. No less than four were dedicated to beer and the simple but daunting task of keeping said beer cold.

Well, after a couple days of beer, I was looking for something different (you can tell this is going to be bad...) On the daily trip into town for ice, I swung into the liquor store and bought a big jug 'o' vodka. Not good vodka. Not mediocre vodka. Not even mildly bad vodka. This was cheap-ass, $5/1.75L plastic jug bad vodka.

And of course, what goes best with cheap-assed vodka? Not real orange juice, no. I had to get Sunny Delight, which is apparently some mutant form of imitation orange juice that has none of the benefits of orange juice such as vitamins and fruit and all of the detriments such as acid and poor taste.

How, praytell, did I make this unholy concoction of the damned? Well, if you guessed "in a three gallon jug like they serve water out of at softball games complete with spigot" you guessed correctly. Yes, all 1.75 liters of cheap-assed vodka and one gallon of Sunny Delight went into the cooler with half a bag of ice. It was cold. It was potent.

And I was the only one brave enough to drink it.

And drink it I did; over the course of the afternoon and evening I managed to consume more than 3/4 of the jug. Bear in mind this is the summer after I graduated from college, way back when my liver was young and I thought myself immortal...

Funny side-story: As more and more people showed up at the campsite, we added more and more drinkers to the mix, and wound up getting a visit from the owners of the campground at around 11 PM to remind us of quiet hours. *I* was elected "leader" of the group who would talk to the gentleman. Somehow I managed to do a fairly decent impression of a somewhat sober person, because no one went to jail. And we did quiet down.

So... Around 2AM I finally pass out. 6AM rolls around and I awaken feeling like I've been hit by a truck, backed over by said truck, and then brutally beaten by a gang of angry midget bikers. Who poured Drano in my mouth and... what the hell? While I was expecting a pool of vomit in the tent (I had a nasty habit of puking in my sleep in college, good way to die...), I was not prepared for what I found:

A trout pond of shit in my drawers.

Yes, rather than vomiting the vile concoction out of my stomach and intestines, it chose the other path. The path leading through my sphincter. And strained through my shorts. UPDATE: And all over the small futon I was using as a mattress. Hence the sub-title. Thanks Brad!

So, here I am, head pounding, mouth dry and feeling like someone poured antifreeze down my gullet, shuffling to the bathroom at 6AM with a pantload of shit. Not my finest hour... Fortunately I did have the presence of mind to grab a couple of quarters for the shower; however I didn't factor in the hosing shit out of my shorts factor, and wound up spending the last few minutes getting pelted with near-freezing water.

Get back to the campsite, of course, and the other guys in the tent are all awake, since it smells like a porta-potty. To this day I haven't lived it down, and routinely get e-mails with subject headers like "Hide the Sunny Delight"...

I Got Nothin'...

Sorry. Just not feelin' it today. Ride in to work was uneventful, so no morons to call out.

Mebbe a Q&A? Ask the resident lunatic? Questions on cars, bikes, guns, etc.?

More to come, assuming I can kick my muse in the ass...

A Present For Bruce...

State Senator Jarrett Barrios said today he is leaving public office.

Senator Jarrett Barrios, a Cambridge Democrat who has been an outspoken advocate for minorities and gay marriage, confirmed today that he will leave office in early July to become the president of the Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts Foundation.

...

Barrios said he would make slightly more money in this position than he earns from his Senate position and his law practice, which he will also give up in July. But money, he said, was not the reason for his decision to leave public office. Barrios also declined to speculate about whether he is permanently closing the door on public life.

Even when leaving he has to lie...

Either way, good riddance says I...

Paging Mr. Darwin...

Alternate title1: Proving that, yes indeed, G-d does have a "Smite" button.

Alternate title2: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

This is too fuckin' funny:

Train Kills Man Trying to Kill Woman

LOS ANGELES - A man trying to kill his girlfriend by stopping a car in front of an approaching train was himself killed Monday when the train hit the vehicle and launched it into him as he tried to flee, police said.

That truly *is* G-d hitting the "Smite" button (fans of Gary Larson's "The Far Side" will get the reference...)

Extemporaneous Excretions...

(Okay, so perhaps that was an alliterative stretch there...)

In no particular order, here are some random thoughts for Tuesday.

*Sirius Satellite radio. Love the programming. Hate the reception. I'm getting it for free for a year as part of the package with my new Dodge, but I don't think I'd pay for it. When I can get through one song without the reception shitting the bed 4-5 times, I'll reconsider. Unless and until that happens, though, they're not getting me to part with my hard-earned shekels for this... Which is a shame, because the ample offerings on Sirius allow me to hear lots of great music.

*Which brings up my next point: What the hell happened to the horns, man? Listening to music from the '50s through the '80s, there's plenty of brass. Sax is a staple, but the other members of the horn section are well-represented for the most part. And then... nothing... With the possible exception of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones (who totally rock in concert, BTW), I can't think of any post-80s group that still employs any brass sound. And that stinks.

*Note to trucks hauling heavy equipment: Just because the nose of the dumptruck hauling everything made it through the light as it turned red doesn't mean the 30' trailer behind it made it. And with traffic backed up, you just created gridlock that meant no one moved the entire light cycle. Giving us plenty of time to stare at your truck with your business name and number prominently displayed. Get ready for dozens of calls for "Seymour Butts"...

*And while we're on the subject of traffic, just when the hell did the local police forces start recruiting from junior high schools? I must have passed half-a-dozen cops who couldn't have been more than 14 or 15 this morning... The counter argument is that I am getting freakin' old...

*Lastly, a touch of evil... As I sat at a traffic light, I noticed the guy behind me was SHAVING. A flurry of movement caught my eye in the rear view mirror, and as I gazed behind me, yes, this dude is vigorously shaving himself on his morning commute. For a brief fleeting second I thought about tossing the truck in reverse and backing into him just for being so fucking stupid and self-absorbed. Imagine the look on the cop's face when he gets to an accident at a traffic light to see a Lexus SUV plowed into a pickup truck with the driver of the Lexus holding a demolished razor in his hands...

That is all...

Those Crazy Brits...

#9 at SayUncle alerts us to more craziness out of old Great Britain:

'Flying saucer' police spy camera takes to the skies

I've got two words for our brethren stuck in ol' Blighty: Skeet. Shooting.

12 gauge birdshot, #8, ought to do the trick just fine... Although, judging from the picture, they might want to have some 00 buckshot as the 2nd or 3rd shot, just in case...

MArooned Movie Review: "RV"

Friday night I reluctantly watched "RV" starring Robin Williams. From the ads, it appeared to be little more than a rote "fish out of water" movie.

I have to admit, I was wrong.

It was a lot more than just a rote "fish out of water" movie. It was a huge heapin' pile 'o' stereotypes, dimensionless characters, and scenes whose only purpose for existing seemed to be to make 5 year old boys laugh (my son loved it, so it wasn't a complete waste).

I want those 99 minutes of my life back, with interest. Sony Pictures owes me. Big time.

To recap:

Robin Williams proves that, yes, one can completely and utterly sell out one's artistic creativity for a dumptruck full of money. There was NONE of his signature improv freshness in this movie. None. The irreverent "Mork from Ork" has been officially neutered, apparently deciding that life after drugs is all about making money.

Jeff Daniels shows us that there is plenty of down to go after "Dumb and Dumber".

So what didn't I like about this movie? Well, let's see... For starters, if you know anything at all about recreational vehicles it's a vicious assault on the RV lifestyle, painting those who chose to go RVing as mouthbreathing rednecks with room temperature IQs (IOW, standard Hollywood fare). Then again, if you know anything about anything, most of this movie is an exercise in "Spot the Cliché". We have, painted out for us in bright dayglo colors, the following stock characters:

1. Overbearing, loud, obnoxious boss.
2. Two completely dysfunctional teenaged kids.
3. Small, independent company complete with stereotypical hippie owners being sought for acquisition by SuperMegaMart Brand.
4. Campground idiots.
5. Even the obligatory hitchhiker bad guy.

The characters are so flat as to be one dimensional. They insist on beating you about the head and shoulders with the jokes, weak though they may be. It's very similar to SNL, where a marginal joke is stretched well beyond its breaking point, hashed and re-hashed and re-re-hashed until you just want it to die a quick and painful death...

Don't rent this movie. If it comes on TV, turn it off. If you own the DVD, use it for a skeet. Run, don't walk, from "RV". Your intelligence will thank you for it...

Monday Morning Musings...

In no particular order...

*Why is it that, no matter how pathetic your lawn might look, all it takes is one lawn in worse shape and you don't feel so bad? Or is it just me?

*There was a rampaging case of the stupids on the road this morning:

• Starting with the BMW with two car seats in back that completely ignored the stop sign and cut me off. Yeah, real smart, play chicken (while you have two kids in the back seat) with a vehicle twice your size and thrice your weight. Brainiac.
• Next we had Señor Doofus in his F-150 who couldn't understand that, when it comes to interstate highways, the "S" stands for "South" and the "N" stands for "North" - nothing like a 5,000 pound truck swinging back into your lane of travel from a dead stop to wake you up.
• Note to BillyBob's Plumbing: Not a good idea to break numerous traffic laws in a vehicle with the company name and phone number plastered all over the side. 781-555-1212 is going to be getting a lot of emergency plumbing calls from Roxbury and South Lawrence...

Mornin' coffee's got nothing on road retards...

That is all...

Life Imitates the Three Stooges...

Alternate title 1: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Alternate title 2: Sometimes, stupid DOES hurt.

Thief Hit by Bus As He Flees NYC Store

NEW YORK - A thief fleeing a jewelry store was killed when his bicycle was struck by a bus, police said.

Authorities said the 42-year-old man snatched a $2,000 gold chain from the Bronx jewelry store on Friday and was making his getaway. A store clerk and two bystanders were chasing the man on foot when he pedaled into an intersection and was hit by a fast-moving bus, police said.

Presented without further comment. Anything I could possibly add would be superfluous...

Damn Skippy!

Alternate title: A-fuckin'-men. Just didn't want that in bright lights, for numerous reasons... *g*

Just read this little blurb at The Ten Ring:

If 20 million people can pick and choose the laws they want to obey, and then be granted amnesty, why should they expect the rest of us to obey their "sensible" gun laws?

'Zactly. Rewarding people whose first act on American soil is to show complete and utter disdain for her laws is insanity. Doing it a scant twenty years after it was last done (and promised that it would be a one-time-only affair) is something else at work here...

If this passes, we are doomed.

As I mentioned (to my mom, who agreed with me, FWIW), the only way I could even half-heartedly support this bill would be if it contained a provision: We grant amnesty to all who follow proper procedures, and from that moment on, anyone caught in this country illegally would be deported immediately.

Anyone caught a second time would be shot on sight.

Special Friday Gun Pr0n

Kim put up a post earlier this week in which he drooled over a 16 gauge side-by-side shotgun. Well, it's not a 16 gauge, but I think there's enough interesting stuff about today's Gun Pic to make up for it...

This is an AM Arms 12 gauge side-by-side shotgun. Patent says 1870. No serial # (it was made before they were mandatory).

There are two things that make this gun extra-interesting.

1. It's a side break rather than a top break.

2. Yep. Made in Boston MA. Currently damn near anti-gun Ground Zero. But once home to a thriving arms manufacturer.

Go figure.

That is all.

Meditations on Being "Follicularly Challenged"...

My post early today was, yet again, me yielding to the Snark Side of the Farce. But it touches on a subject near and dear painful to me: Male Pattern Baldness.

I started losing my hair my senior year of college. I was all of 20. By the time I was 25, I was completely bald on the top of my head. As was my father, and his father, etc. That bit they try to foist on you about it being on your mother's side? Bullshit. My mother's father passed away in his 60s with a full head of hair. Mom has two brothers; one is balding at 60+, the other has a full head of hair in his mid- to late- 50s.

As evidenced by the plethora of "hair growth" spams, infomercials, etc., there's a lot of bald guys out there who would like to have hair back. I'm one of them. I have dreams, even now, where I wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and discover that I have my hair back. Waking up from those dreams is a harsh reality slap.

Popular culture doesn't help any. Let's name all of the bald leading men:

.


.


.


uh, Patrick Stewart?


.



.


.


Vin Diesel?

.



.


.


???

Seriously, can anyone name an A-list actor who's bald? Not shaved, especially for a part, but honestly bald?

Not only that, but how are bald men portrayed in movies and TV? Not well - they're either ineffective, wishy-washy pansies like George Costanza or psychotic madman a la Clarence Boddiker (played by Kurtwood Smith, who would later go on to play "Red" Foreman in "That 70s Show", yet another less-than-stellar bald guy)... Not a lot of romantic comedies out there starring Stanley Tucci, are there? And don't even get me started on Lex Luthor...

But why? Why are bald men assumed to be either dangerous psychos or namby-pamby losers? There's a scene in the episode "Simpson and Delilah" where Homer grows hair (thanks to "Dimoxinil") where Homer is noticed by Mr. Burns*:

Burns: [indicating the security monitor] Wait, who's that young go-getter?

Smithers: Well, it sort of looks like [chuckle] Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful.

*(And yes, Mr. Burns is the archetypal "bald baddie" made famous by Lionel Barrymore as Henry Potter, and more recently by Dick Cheney *g*).

I wish I could get over something as petty and simple as being bald. I wish I wasn't hung up on how society thinks I should or shouldn't look. But it's tough. It's engrained young - when I pick my kids up from daycare, inevitably one of the other kids will point to me and say "Joey's Daddy, you're bald!" I make a joke of it, grabbing my head in mock shock and claiming that all of my hair just recently fell out and would they help me look for it?, but it's still there.

That nagging feeling that says, you'd only be complete if you had a full head of hair...

Hope?

Or perhaps misguided and unfounded optimism?

Hair Follicles May Regrow After Head Wounds

WEDNESDAY, May 16 (HealthDay News) -- A chance finding in
wounded lab mice could point the way to reversing hair loss, scientists
say.

While studying the healing of wounds in mice, a team at
the University of Pennsylvania noticed that the animals developed new hair
follicles after their skin was scraped.

I'll wait to see how this turns out before I spend my hard earned lucre on yet another baldness "cure". Besides, I kinda like the shaved-head look. Of course, it's not like I have much choice in the matter as it were...

That is all.

Holy Spikes Batman!

I seem to be the unworthy recipient of an Ambulanch.

Welcome, Ambulance Driver readers. Don't expect too much - compared to the fine writing style of AD, I'm but a chimp banging away at an old IBM Selectric typewriter. But I'll talk your ear off about cars, bikes, guns, and other fun and exciting stuff if'n you want...

UPDATE: 15 out of 20 referrals. Day-um!

This Just In...

Jerry Falwell is still dead.

Tinky Winky has been questioned and released. His whereabouts at the time of Falwell's death have been confirmed by the other partners in the threeway: La-La and Barney.

Investigators have now turned to Spongebob Squarepants and his lifepartner Patrick Star as persons of interest. Mr. Squarepants had recently purchased blood thinners from one Plankton, and has harbored a grudge ever since Reverend Falwell outed him in the early 2000s. Despondent over his inability to break into mainstream acting, Mr. Squarepants had only been able to find work in the adult film industry (he is a sponge, after all) and blamed Falwell for his downfall.

He is considered absorbent and presumed waterlogged.

That is all.

The Loudest Sound...

...is the *bang* you hear when you thought the gun was unloaded. At least that's what I've heard.

"Accidental Discharge" (AD for short, not to be confused with the Ambulance Driver). Really, though, should be called "Negligent Discharge" (ND, not to be confused with North Dakota) in about 99% of cases. The vast majority of time, a gun goes off unexpectedly because of negligence, not an accident. Sure, some of the old commie guns (like my CZ-52) have an annoying habit of FIRING when the safety is engaged; that would certainly qualify as an accident.

But anyways... Here's my story:

I was a kid, barely old enough to own a pistol, and the first and only autoloader I had was the Colt 1911 I inherited from my grandfather. Not being wise in the ways of the world, I was using it as a carry piece (this is a WWI, military-issue, low serial number, all-original Colt, mind you). Also not being wise in the ways of the 1911, I made a very serious mistake.

I lowered the hammer with a round in the chamber. The hammer slipped...

BOOM!!!

I went deaf for a few seconds. Completely and utterly deaf. Couldn't hear the television not 5 feet away. Not only that, but I had the gun pointed straight up (and right next to my right ear), which ordinarily wouldn't have been so bad except that I was in the basement of my parents' house. Fortunately, I was the only one home at the time, so I didn't have to worry about anyone else being hurt.

I traced the path of the 230 grain FMJ:

• Through the floor joist like a hot knife through butter.
• Through the oak hardwood flooring.
• Through the rug in the living room.
• Through the walnut paneling on the wall.
• Coming to a rest in the roof rafter. I checked the roof, and there was no exit. Somewhere, lodged in a 2X6" stretch of rafter in my parents' roof, that FMJ bullet mocks me to this day.

I got damn lucky. No one was hurt. No significant damage was done. My ears stopped ringing after a few days. And I've been extremely careful ever since.

(This anecdote brought to you by a quick paragraph in this entry at Marko's blog where he admits to his own ND [Mental note: Add Marko to blogroll].).

Let me close with a recap of the Four Rules:

• RULE I: ALL GUNS ARE ALWAYS LOADED
• RULE II: NEVER LET THE MUZZLE COVER ANYTHING YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO DESTROY
• RULE III: KEEP YOUR FINGER OFF THE TRIGGER UNTIL YOUR SIGHTS ARE ON THE TARGET
• RULE IV: BE SURE OF YOUR TARGET AND WHAT'S BEYOND IT

("borrowed" from The Firing Line post here)

Rest in Peace, Jerry...

Jerry Falwell has passed on.

Tinky Winky is being held for questioning...

Truer Words Were Never Spoken...

Fodder hits it out of the park with this one line:

In a just universe stupid would hurt.

Barring that, it should be perfectly legal to make stupid hurt. Like, oh, when the ubersoccermom in her high-end SUV is so busy yammering on her cell phone that she fails to realize that she's traveling 20 MPH under the speed limit *and* weaving all over the road, you should be allowed to achieve ramming speed without getting hit with an insurance surcharge.

Just sayin', is all...

A Promise, Broken

I did something this morning that I ordinarily don't like to do: I broke a promise.

To myself.

That I made nearly 20 years ago.

When I was a young lad of 17 years of age, I made a solemn promise to myself: Whenever the song "Born to be Bad" by George Thorogood came on the radio, I would light up a cigarette.

(Hey, I was 17. When you're a pudgy prep school kid trying desperately to be a badass, smoking is one way to go...)

Well, thanks to the wonders of Sirius Satellite radio and Channel 15 ("Classic Rewind"), I heard "Born to be Bad".

But no cigarette - I quit 6 ½ years ago. "Born to be Bad" may have been my favorite song at 17, but it apparently was hurtled off the planet soon thereafter...

When the Whip Comes Down...

Dunno why, but that song title just popped into my head.

Actually, I do know why. I just got a very angry voice mail message from Bruce. Seems a car dealer in the Volksrepublik of MA (big surprise there) just played the tried-and-true "bait and switch" ploy on a truck Bruce was looking at. That corrupt bastard has absolutely no idea what kind of shitstorm he just started.

I'm guessing Bruce will have particulars up soon, so check with him later and get the scoop on the dumb SOB that's about to find himself under some pretty bright lights...

I'd loooove to be a fly on the wall at the Attorney General's office when Bruce's letter comes in... Hoo boy...

Standing by to receive orders...

That is all.

UPDATE: Part 1 is up. Bruce sets up the background information.

UPDATE 2: Part 2 is now up. Bruce details the shabby treatment. We can only hope that part 3 details the exquisite revenge...

Monday...

Up to my @$$hole in alligators. Light posting today.

Short summation of the maiden voyage of the camper: Loved it. Kids loved it. Got a few bugs to iron out, but nothing major. All systems work as designed, I'm getting better at handling the behemoth, life, overall, is good.

Except of course that it *is* Monday morning and all... ;)

Hmmm... It *Is* Friday, So...

It must be gun pr0n...

Today's gun is a Smith & Wesson Model 10-4 .38 Special with 2" barrel. I've got somewhat of a snubbie niche going, with two j-frames, a Colt Detective Special, and a few other guns of the pocket or quasi-pocket variety. This is one of the larger versions thereof, and I am looking to get Model 10s with 3", 4" 6" and, if possible, 8 3/8" barrels. Kind of a Dan Wesson "Pistol Pac", only without the hassle of having to change barrels (just guns - kinda like Norm Abrams changes drills where most guys would change drill bits...)

Happy Friday!

UPDATE: I'm not the only one showcasing old S&W revolvers today. Nice .45, Tam.

Disgusting, Yet Predictable

Why doesn't this surprise me?

BLACKSBURG, Va. - When Fred McChesney heard about the Virginia Tech shooting spree on April 16, he was appalled. But what he did next has appalled many others. Within hours of the rampage, the Phoenix man began buying dozens of domain names _ CampusKillings.com, VirginiaTechMurders.com, SlaughterInVirginia.com _ in the hopes of selling them later to the highest bidder.

I guess it's just par for the course that some vultures feel the need to profit from tragedy.

But then again, why should the Brady Bunch be the only ones to try to make money from the VA Tech killings?

A Walk Down Amnesia Lane™

Reading through the Globe this morning (hey, it's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it...), I came across this story:

Students find photo hard to stomach, take papers

FRAMINGHAM -- Dozens of copies of the Framingham State College student newspaper went missing recently, but the culprits were not angry over an editorial or a hard-hitting exposé. Two students said they did not like a picture showing their bare midriffs splashed across the front page.

And it reminded me of something that happened in college... You see, this young couple had a fight. The gentleman involved (let's call him... Brian) had been flirting with a young lady - not his girlfriend - at a party, and his girlfriend took exception to said flirting. They fought. She "never wanted to see [him] again". Much agonizing and late-night binge drinking ensued.

Well, Brian saw the error of his ways (the girl he was flirting with never called him back), so he decided to smooth things over with his girlfriend. The way he decided to accomplish this was to write an extremely mushy personal ad which he placed in the student newspaper. It was the kind of ad that makes girls forget their boyfriends acting like heels. It was also the kind of ad that you don't want your buddies to see...

So... Needless to say... We're all sitting around the lounge in our suite, when someone leafing through the paper spots the ad.

And reads it aloud.

Several times.

Brian took exception to this. He rips the paper out of the guy's hands and tears it up. Someone procures another paper and he rips that one up. He takes off in a huff (to go see his girlfriend, who was smitten by his display of affection and forgave him) and the incident is largely forgotten.

Except...

Another buddy and I decide to have a little fun (you can see where this is going, right?). We go down to the lobby of the dorm and snatch up all 400+ copies of the paper strewn about. We then sat down and carefully cut out Brian's mushy ad from each and every paper (and then returned all the papers!).

We took each ½"X2" personal and taped each and every one up all over the suite. On doors. On windows. On the floor. On the ceiling. We taped a bunch of them in the shape of an arrow leading to Brian's room. We taped them on the insides of cabinets. We taped them to the arms of the couches. Any place you could think of, we put a copy of Brian's mushy personal.

Brian spent the next two weeks scraping his ½"X2" admission of undying love and devotion off of every square inch of our suite.

And plotting his revenge, which consisted of a 55 gallon drum filled with water leaned against the other guy's door (the doors opened inward. Do the math)...

One of Those Days...

Have I mentioned, lately, that I hate people?

I've been fighting off the mutant virus that laid waste to my household this past weekend. Defenses are holding, but intermittent germs break through and have to be clobbered back into submission. This morning the germs are winning...

And my life is further complicated by the complete and utter lack of brains, common sense, or basic human decency (HA!) shown by my fellow commuters. Some examples:

*Arrogant Asswipe: Yes, you, in your shiny white Cadillac. Did you REALLY need to back out of your driveway RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SCHOOL BUS, then stop IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD to look at said bus, then continue slowly backing up? Eat shit, linger a few painful months, then die.

*Tina Timid: Y'know, you really don't have to wait until there is literally no traffic for MILES before proceeding through an intersection. Nothing like waiting behind some imbecile who can't or won't get the fuck out of the way...

*Msssss. Cell Phone: Yeah. 20 MPH in a 35 MPH zone while you yammer into your cell phone isn't going to win you any points, Ms. Tricked out Lexus SUV. Neither is getting into the right turn only lane and proceeding straight through the intersection, only to get into the left turn only lane and go straight again. Just because your husband bought you plastic boobs doesn't mean you can ignore the laws of physics and/or traffic.

*Mr. I-Don't-See-That-School-Bus-With-The-Flashing-Red-Lights: It's against the law to pass a school bus with its lights on. Period. Eventually that shit will catch up to you, and you'll pull that stupid stunt in front of a cop. With any kind of luck it will be an angry cop. With a large ticket book.

*One of The Towns I Pass Through On My Ride To Work: How many times can you tear up the same fucking piece of road, re-grade it, bring in new gravel, re-pave it, then tear it down again? If I lived in this town I would be ripshit about the gross waste of taxpayer money - especially since they can't close the road without at least 30 or 40 cops to direct traffic through a 1 mile stretch...

Wow... This is quite therapeutic. I'd say my Personal People Hatred Level has gone from DefCon One to... Defcon One and one quarter... (thanks for the update, Brad_in_MA)...

When Stupid People Plan Stupid Things...

6 held on terror conspiracy charges in N.J.

MOUNT LAUREL, N.J. - Six men were arrested overnight on charges
they plotted to attack the Fort Dix Army base and "kill as many soldiers as
possible," federal authorities said Tuesday.

Let me see if I've got this straight. They were planning a terrorist attack. On an Army base. Using small arms.

This is my favorite part:

Investigators told WNBC that the group discussed a number of possible targets, including the Dover Air base, Fort Monmouth and Coast Guard stations, but that they concluded the best target was Fort Dix.

Fort Dix, which is run in part by the U.S. Army, is a reserve training center but active units also take part in training at the base, some of which is focused on counter-terrorism. It also housed refugees from Kosovo in 1999.

So, to recap... These brainiacs actually CHOSE an Army base (which are, generally speaking, known for having many heavily armed and well-trained folk dwelling within) which had active duty units who were trained in counter-terrorism measures.

This would have made Little Big Horn look like a walk in the park. I have a feeling it would have shattered all records for "shortest terrorist attack in history". I also have a feeling they'd have to identify these mental midgets by DNA analysis of the reddish-brown smears left after our boys got through with 'em...

I mean, guys, c'mon. If you want to die quickly and messily, it'd be easier to just play in traffic...

Ewww, I Stepped in a Meme...

In yet another shameless ploy to drive up my meager (read: pathetic) stats, I'm passing on a meme from the Ambulance Driver (who you REALLY need to be reading)...

Here are the rules: Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their seven things and add a copy of these rules. THEN, you need to choose 7 people to tag and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

Okay, so my seven are:

1. I have just a touch of OCD (those that know me will laugh hysterically at this part). I have to check for my wallet at least two or three times on the drive to work; I have to check once or twice to make sure I've closed the choke on my Harley; I've been known to drive back down the street to make sure I remembered to close the garage door.

2. While I am an absolute unrepentant and unabashed motorhead, I don't do any maintenance myself other than changing batteries and wiper blades. My free time is better spent playing with my children or shooting at the range than crawling underneath my car to change my own oil to save $15. NFW.

3. I am a "people magnet", by which I mean "weirdo magnet". For whatever reason, people feel like they can come up to me and strike up a conversation. If there's so weirdo walking around talking to the voices in their head, or the mother ship from beta-Gamulon, or praying to Vishnu, it's a safe bet they'll walk up to me and start talking to me...

4. I tell my kids that I love them at least 20-30 times a day. Even my son. In public. And will continue to do so until such time as I no longer draw breath. Life is too short to play macho bullshit games like "men don't kiss their kids" or crap like that.

5. Even though I have Bruce's "Al Gore Can Kiss My Carbon Footprint" bumper sticker on my gas-guzzling Dodge Ram, I try to recycle and conserve as much as possible. I rinse out and recycle all my plastic and glass jars; I return all plastic soda bottles and metal cans to the supermarket; I gather up all the circulars and magazines and set them out for the recycling truck every week. I'm skeptical that humans are causing Global Climate Change (or whatever they're calling it this week), but that doesn't mean I think we should shit all over the Earth...

6. (Update: Thought of a better one, but leaving the original below in italics). I firmly believe in G-d and His son Jesus Christ, but do not trust organized religion any further than I can throw the entire building they're housed in. I firmly believe that when flawed men try to explain G-d and His greatness, they are doomed to fail; and that in a great many cases organized religion is used as a tool to oppress people rather than express faith...

My dream car is a 1959 Cadillac El Dorado Biarritz convertible, black with white interior and white roof. There's just something about 6' tall tailfins designed by Harley Earl that just immortalize that car as the absolute pinnacle of American automotive design.

7. I've had my license for 20 years now, and in that time owned eleven automobiles (twelve if swapping cars with my wife counts). Five coupes, three pick-up trucks (all Dodge Rams, BTW), two SUVs, and one minivan. I've had my motorcycle endorsement for twelve years and owned three motorcycles in that time. I've never owned a vehicle manufactured by Ford Motor Company.

Okay, that oughta be enough random carp about me... ;)

I'm going to follow AD's lead and not specifically tag anyone else, but leave it open for updates should anyone want to participate...

UPDATE: Ricky has decided to play. Go. Read. The man is a rock. And that's literal as well as figurative. The dude knows his fitness...

Funny, It Wasn't An Issue 10 Years Ago...

The Dow's dangerous winning streak

Gee, when the Dow rocketed from 3,000 to 12,000 in the 1990s it wasn't "dangerous"...

This little tidbit seemed interesting:

By contrast, the Nasdaq Composite Index ($COMPX) nearly doubled in the last five months before the 2000 crash.

Hmmm. 2000. Who was president then? Is this a tacit admission that the charges of "Bush tanked the economy" were nothing more than empty partisan rhetoric?

Or just one more example of the ol' "memory hole"???

Bullshit!

It can't be a good thing to get this fired up this early in the week... But I've been cooped up in a house with three other people, all of whom are suffering from strep throat...

Anyhoo, listening to the radio on the drive into work, and what comes on Hair Nation but Poison's "Something to Believe In". And I left it on, because it reminds me of my youth, when something stuck in my craw:

I drive by the homeless sleeping on a cold dark street
Like bodies in an open grave
Underneath the broken old neon sign
That used to read jesus saves

A mile away live the rich folks
And I see how theyre living it up
While the poor they eat from hand to mouth
The rich is drinkin from a golden cup

And it just makes me wonder
Why so many lose, so few win

So few win? Fuck you.

I grew up in the household of a cop and a housewife. No white collars in my 'hood. Both of my parents were first generation Americans. Neither had a college education. None of my grandparents finished high school.

But they all busted their asses to make a better life for their kids. They put good food on the table, kept a roof over their heads, and made sure they worked hard to take advantage of all that was offered to them.

I put myself through graduate school. My sister put herself through law school. I wouldn't say either of us is "drinking from a golden cup", but we're not starving, either.

Because we worked for it. I worked two and sometimes three jobs to put myself through college. I worked a second job in grad school. I've worked hard to get where I am in life, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be made to feel guilty about it. This is America, G-d dammit, and "the good life" is there for the taking.

Pretending otherwise is bullshit. Plain and simple bullshit, used to excuse laziness. Or, as someone more cynical might think, to make the "cradle to grave" nanny state (that punishes the successful and coddles the lazy) more attractive...

Fuck that shit. Life is what you make of it. GIGO. Can't handle it? That's your problem. But don't you fucking dare try to put me down because I put more into it...

Making a Good Thing Better...

How do you improve upon this:

Well, you need to add one of these:

Just in case that's not clear enough:

Now, we just sit back and wait to see how long it takes for my truck to get vandalized by a caring and sensitive left-leaning "liberal" type...

I Am A Square...

For the first time in my life, my waist is NOT larger than my inseam. I've got on a pair of 32X32 pants. This is completely and utterly uncharted territory for me.

In other weight- and body size-related fronts, I can no longer pretend that my motorcycle gear still fits me. The chaps that, when originally purchased, had to be tenuously buckled on the second grommet in, are now about 8" too big for me - even with the back re-stitched (the chaps I have can be laced one of two ways in the back to allow for extra room). The smallest leather jacket I own is also my first biker jacket, a size 48 that I bought in 1989 (!!!). I was 18.

It is too big.

Weight loss is 'spensive, bubba...

Friday Gun Pic

I couldn't decide which gun I wanted to feature today. So, being lazy, I went with a classic:

This is Marlin model 336 in (what else) .30-30. This was my grandfather's deer rifle, and I don't even want to guess at how many pounds of venison this gun was responsible for providing...

Someday I'd like to take her hunting again...

The Very Face of Evil

Words fail me.

Arrest Made in Internet Child Abuse Case

KENNEWICK, Wash. - A 13-month global manhunt for a man accused of
raping his daughter and posting video of the attack on the Internet has ended
with his arrest in Hong Kong after a struggle that reportedly injured four
Chinese police officers.

There's a picture of this monster at the link. Personally, I feel that this sub-human piece of shit should only be viewed through a high-powered rifle scope, preferably one sitting atop of a Barrett Light 50.

Then just relax and squeeeeeze the trigger ever so gently.

Of course, there's a significant therapeutic value to a good chunk of Louisville ash, twenty minutes in a locked room, and a central floor drain.

Just sayin', is all.

Blogroll Additions...

It's far beyond time I added these very worthwhile folks to the ol' blogroll:

What would John Wayne do? - Self-desribed as "Where John Wayne meets Emily Post - manners, guns, and politics." Good, good stuff there.

Technicalities - Theresa is a local blogger (in the shadow of Meninostan) who I hope to get to the range in the near future (that's a hint, Theresa...) :)

Stop in and say hi!

Brain Dump...

Random thoughts for a dreary Wednesday...

• Okay, secret shame admission time. I loooove Sirius 23, "Hair Nation". I love listening to Whitesnake, Motley Crüe, Poison, etc. Love it. Yeah, it takes me back to, well, when I had hair...
• Was there some sort of "stupid bomb" dropped on the Northeast this morning? The morning commute seemed unusually dumb for a non-holiday, non-snowstorm day. What's up with people going 20 MPH down a 35 MPH street? And would it KILL them to actually move to the side of the road where they're turning??? If one more idiot plants his right wheels on the fucking grass to make a left fucking turn I'm gonna have to mount a flamethrower in the bed of the truck...
• Speaking of the truck, I have to revert to Tim Allen from "Home Improvement" for a second: R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!!! Brought the 26' trailer home from the RV store yesterday afternoon. That Hemi is just plain magic. Pulled all 6,000 pounds of trailer like it wasn't even there. The guys who hooked up the load-leveling hitch were debating whether it was even needed, the truck handled it so well...
• Only 9 days until the new camper takes its maiden voyage. I can't tell who's more excited: the kids, or me... :)

Frightening Thought...

Today's "Scary Thought of the Day" comes from this story:

BRA official asked help from mosque backer

Pushed for mayoral visit to Mideast during talks

A Boston Redevelopment Authority official involved with the city's decision to reduce the price of land it sold to the Islamic Society of Boston for a Roxbury mosque asked a Saudi Arabian supporter of the project to help plan a trip to the Middle East for Mayor Thomas M. Menino and two of his political allies, according to BRA documents.

Yes, you read that correctly. They used the words "Menino" and "talks" in the same sentence. Someone actually thought that sending Mumbles to Saudi Arabia would be a good idea...

I can't decide if it was a punishment for the Saudis, or reward for the BPD members that have to guard this tool...

Would Mumbles have caused an international incident, as his garbled request for a napkin to wipe his sweaty brow sounded like "I would like to cover your daughter in ointment"? Only the Shadow knows...

Smith & Wesson Tour Report

Okay. It's been five days since I toured the Smith & Wesson plant. It's about time I put pen to paper finger to keyboard and described my experience.

It's... Well... It's like Mecca. It's a pilgrimage that all gunnies should make at least once in their lives. If you're a fan of the revolver, if you want to live, learn, and breath in the history of one of the most storied names in firearms manufacturers, you owe it to yourself to make this trip. One of the few benefits of being stuck in Massachusetts is that it's only a couple of hours from my house, so for me it will be more than once-in-a-lifetime event (I hope).

The factory is an interesting dichotomy. It's reminscent of the great factories of the 1950s, 60s, and 70s, yet the revolvers it produces are decidedly modern (from what I could tell from what we saw, Smith and Wesson makes only 1911-style pistols and stainless steel, 4" barrel revolvers. :) One thing that struck me was how similar the S&W factory was to the chemical factory where I worked as a fresh-faced post-grad many years ago. Apparently "Generic Factory Layout 101" is still going strong...

For anyone with even the most cursory interest in firearms, metallurgy, or machining, there will be plenty to keep your attention. You're taken to most of the stages of production, stopping at final assembly. Apparently, another casualty of 9/11 was the ability to witness a firearm being assembled, as the assembly area was made "off-limits" to the tour shortly after 9/11... But there was still oodles to see, from the CNC machines that produce the slides and frames to the 100 year old devices used to bore the barrels of the target model 41s...

And then, culture shock. Leaving the historical factory for the ultra modern Shooting Center right down the street. Got to shoot a whole passel of S&W guns, and realized a few things:

1. I simply must get a Smith & Wesson 1911. According to the S&W sales guy who addressed our group at the start of the tour, they will be coming out with a smaller 1911 in the near future. Oh... yeah...

2. A Smith & Wesson model 41 is very near the top of my wish list. Shot a well-used one at the Shooting Center, and even I, a very mediocre shooter, was eating the center out of the target at 10 yards like a pro. This gun is that good. Plus it shares magazines with my model 422, so I wouldn't need to buy more magazines.

3. I do NOT like the new M&P. I shot the .40 S&W compact, as I was eyeing it as a new carry gun. NFW. In the whole 30 rounds that I put through it, it failed to load 4 or 5 rounds (FMJ) and the magazine fell out three times for no apparent reason! The full sized .45 ACP was okay, but I'll save my money and buy a Sig 229...