Rumors of My Demise...

...Have been somewhat exaggerated.

I've been traveling on business this week, and while it's been great getting to (finally) visit the west coast and see some great folks and facilities, the visit has not been without it's down-sides.

First off, the day before I was scheduled to leave, I had a gout outbreak in my right knee. Shades of last year before the NRA AM when it hit the day I flew to Indy and all that. Managed to get to the doc in a box for meds and it appears to be on the wane now, but the first flight out was sheer agony.

And the flight. Oh, there will be a LOT more on this end. If you're friends with me on Facebook you're aware of my tribulations getting out to OR. I'm waiting until I'm safely home to post specifics, mainly because I have complete and utter faith in United to screw things up further. Be prepared.

Quick synopsis: United's handling of this trip made me long for the competence and customer service I received from JetBlue...

With any kind of luck I'll be home tonight and recovering. Should have my normal car pic up tomorrow, but I'll most likely cogitate over the weekend for the full-blown trip overview (with regards to the travel portion). The folks out here have beeb awesome - I've experienced some of the wonderful weirdness that is the greater Portland area (unicycles! midnight dog walkers! Churches converted to beer halls! stoplights on highway onramps!) I've managed to visit three different facilities and take three factory tours while out here - check the work page for more information on that.

It will be VERY good to get home tonight, although I will NOT be celebrating with any sort of adult beverage (I have localized the gout outbreak to consumption of alcohol as the only change...)

That is all.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Jay and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Travel Experience

Consider this a public service announcement. Buckle up, because it's a long ride and it's going to get bumpy.

This past weekend, the family and I flew up to MA to help my parents celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. We planned a small dinner with friends and family at a local Italian place, inviting a couple dozen of my parents' closest friends (and even a few members of their wedding party). Since it was a regular weekend, we opted to fly up rather than drive - we would have spent ~ 18 hours in the car and gotten only slightly more time than that to visit.

Looking around, I hit several aggregator-type sites for tickets. Orbitz had the best deal, so I booked four tickets. I should have realized something was wrong when it wouldn't allow me to select seats for my son when using the same name (He is a IV, I am a III). Even though there is a drop-down menu for suffix, it apparently did not translate into the whole choosing seats and finalizing the reservation.

I received a flight confirmation and an Orbitz booking number, but no airline confirmation code. This should have been my second clue. Third clue: Even though I chose seats on the airplane, the confirmation e-mail did not indicate such. I didn't think much of it, booking it at the end of December and anticipating SHOT Show. I assumed it would get sorted out and pushed the discrepancies to the back of my mind.

Upon my return from SHOT, I took another look at the e-mail. The complete and utter lack of an airline confirmation number worried me, so I called Orbitz and received the airlines confirmation number. Again, no seat choice was indicated, so I contacted JetBlue just to make sure we actually had seats on the airplane. Sure enough, there was no seat for my son, so we worked through both the inbound and return flight, selected seats, and I received an e-mail from Jetblue with the airline confirmation number, the seat numbers, etc.

I figured this was all set, and congratulated myself on looking into it a week ahead of time.

Then the night before the flight (last Thursday), when I attempted to check in online, I was unable to complete the check in. Now, we were flying up for the weekend, and were packed so that we wouldn't have to check luggage, so the plan was to bypass the ticket counter completely once we had boarding passes in hand. Yeah, you can see where this is going...

I called JetBlue Thursday night and talked to one of their customer service people, who told me that the website had been having problems and to keep trying, and at worst just check in at the airport. I tried a few times and continuously got the error message Thursday night, and tried again Friday morning from a different computer (as well as mobile). When three separate devices and multiple attempts to check in failed, I called JetBlue again (I'm a belt-and-suspenders kinda guy that way).

This time I was told that online check in wasn't available for travelers that purchased their tickets through a third party (Orbitz/Expedia/Priceline/etc.). Now, this threw up ALL kinds of red flags, because I've flown a fair amount, and the number of times I have booked directly with an airline can be counted on one hand. With fingers left over. But I resigned to leave extra early and just sort it out at the ticket counter.

We arrived at the airport, parked, and made it to the ticket counter a full 2 hours before the flight was scheduled to leave. There was an additional half-hour cushion from the flight being delayed. Made it to the JetBlue counter and there was not another soul present - score! Well, it took 45 minutes to get four boarding passes - apparently the lack of a suffix really messed with the system. In the end, the JetBlue counter person told us we were all set. I even inquired about the return flight, wondering if there would be a problem of the same nature.

She assured me that we were "all set" for the return flight. This is the part in a horror movie where you'd hear ominous music in the background. What should have been a REAL indicator of the competence of the staff was the fact that my son and my daughter were given a boarding pass for the same seat. Fortunately, the plane was barely half-full and it wasn't an issue.

The next morning I awoke and immediately went online to check in for the return flight. Sure enough, the confirmation number worked - except there were only two tickets showing. There's four of us. I debated whether that was because two of the party were minors, and then I picked up the phone and called JetBlue again. This time, it was a half-hour wait before I got through.

The woman at the customer service line informed me that the reason there were only two tickets was that the JetBlue counter agent in Dulles had split our flight into two itineraries to compensate for the same name. Now, HAD SHE TOLD ME about splitting it and HAD SHE GIVEN ME THE DAMN SECOND NUMBER, we could have avoided a lot of hassle. Except she didn't - all I got was "you're all set" and the bum's rush. Yes, you heard that right. Our itinerary was split into two confirmation numbers - the number you need to get a boarding pass - and the ticket agent not only neglected to give me the number, she neglected to even tell me that she had split our itinerary.

The woman on the CS line gave me the second confirmation number, and I assumed that things would get better. I hung up with her and went to the JetBlue check in, only to find out that the split ticket contained my children on one ticket - and you can't check in minors without an adult through the online check in. At this point, I was starting to think about renting a car and driving home, because I was certain this was an omen...

So, even though we flew out for a weekend, bringing the bare necessities so that we could bypass the ticket counter part of the flying experience, because of the initial incompetence at Orbitz in not transmitting the suffix (even though I supplied DOB for both my son and I), and the continued incompetence of JetBlue, we wound up having to go to the ticket counter on both the outbound and inbound flights. Now, in all fairness I was able to use the self-service kiosk to obtain all four tickets on the flight back to VA, so that delay was minimal.

I don't care for flying, as a general rule. Some of it is primal, and stems from previous bad experiences with turbulence and a near-miss. Some of it is biological - being crammed into a steel tube with a teeming mass of humanity is a great way to pick up all kinds of fun communicable diseases. And, quite frankly, I'm not a big fan of the probulation and treatment of all air travelers as near-criminals. Sometimes, though, we need to push through for the good of the mission.

When a simple weekend trip for the family turns into this kind of ordeal, though, something has to be said. While not that many people are Jr.s, IIIs, etc.; there are certainly enough out there to warrant a little extra care. One little thing getting messed up can really have an impact downstream.

What's the take-home lesson?

1. Listen to that voice. When I didn't receive an airline confirmation number in the initial e-mail from Orbitz, I should have checked then. As it stands, I caught it with a week to spare and *still* had things get all screwed up. If something in the back of your head is saying "hey, wait, there's something wrong here", take a moment to look things over carefully and see if you can pick out what made the voice speak up.

2. Check, double-check, and check again. It's hard to be thorough when you've been cooling your heels for 45 minutes at the ticket counter, the kids are restless, and you just want to get through the exquisite experience of TSA check in. Had we taken a moment to look at the boarding passes, we would have caught the duplication and perhaps inquired further about the return trip. I'm also glad I didn't wait until I got to the ticket counter before investigating why I hadn't got a confirmation number - having an e-mail from JetBlue with my conf.# and seat arrangements was comforting.

Bottom line, we made it up to MA (a little late, but that was because of weather, which I understand is completely out of the hands of the airlines), got a chance to visit with the wife's family in the morning and my family in the evening at the party, and still made it home to VA with time to prepare for the week. It beat sitting in a car for 18 - 20 hours all to hell, especially where the return trip would have been on Superbowl Sunday. I'm grateful for not having to deal with that headache.

I'm also not planning on doing business with Orbitz ever again, and it will be a very long time before I willingly fly JetBlue...

That is all.

I Feel Much Safer Now...

Several folks sent this story in. It must really be hard to work at The Onion these days...

Sock monkey's toy gun confiscated by TSA

Transportation Security Administration workers can face real danger, as was demonstrated during the deadly shooting at Los Angeles International Airport last month.

Still, confiscating a sock monkey's sidearm? Washington state resident Phyllis May told Seattle's King5.com that she was chastised by a TSA agent over the fact that her stuffed sock monkey (name: Rooster Monkburn, a takeoff on Rooster Cogburn of "True Grit" fame) carried a toy pistol.

Yes, we are all safer now that a sock monkey has had his 2" long plastic toy six-shooter taken away by the TSA. I love the rationale: If someone held it to your neck you might think it's real. Folks, if someone disarms a sock monkey and uses the toy gun to hold you up, feel free to walk into the airplane restroom and drown yourself in the toilet if you can't tell the difference between that and a real gun...

You know, it's funny. My inlaws gave me a revolver-shaped USB drive as a gag going-away present. It was in my Gearslinger when I was getting ready to fly home, and I took it out (as well as the CRKT Eat'n Tool, which is eminently useful BTW). Looks like it's a good thing I did. Interestingly enough, I forgot to take my Dragon Leatherworks gun belt off before I stepped through the scanner and that caused me about a 5 minute delay as they inspected the belt - it's that tough, they were debating over whether it was a weapon or not!

Obviously there's no "critical thinking" class for TSA agents...

That is all.

Who Brought The Cool Kid?

Heh. Skidmark sent this in so we could all have a good laugh...

Oops, TSA guy goes spray-zy!

A bumbling TSA agent “playing around” with a pepper-spray container at Kennedy Airport fired the caustic liquid at five fellow screeners yesterday, sending all six to the hospital, a source told The Post.

The agent, Chris Yves Dabel, discovered the device at the Terminal 2 security checkpoint and tried to determine if it was real, a source told The Post.

Because, apparently, in TSA school they teach you that the proper way to determine if pepper spray is real is by hosing your co-workers down with it. Dumbass. You know what the best part is? He claimed he thought it was a laser pointer, not a canister of pepper spray. Yeah, because shining a laser in someone's eyes is so much better than pepper spray. Remember, these are the folks that former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle insisted would not be professionals unless they were Feds...

You know what's funny? And here I don't mean ha-ha funny, I mean, if you don't laugh at the absurdity you're going to cry at the stupidity. If this were a store security guard at WalMart that pulled a stunt like this they'd be looking for employment. Chances are pretty good this idiot TSA agent won't even be reprimanded, let alone fired. The TSA was more interested in keeping this story out of the press than they were examining why their mouth-breathing employees think fooling around with less-than-lethal force multipliers is something to do for yucks.

These are the Keystone Kops allegedly charged with keeping us "safe" when we fly...

That is all.

Justifying Their Existence...

Reader Pamela sends in a story that lets us know that the TSA is on the job...

Florida teen detained by TSA for design on her purse

It's not unusual for 17-year-old to find themselves in hot water with the fashion police. But on a flight from Virginia to Florida, Vanessa Gibbs found herself detained by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) over the appearance of her purse.

And just to be clear, it wasn't the content inside the purse that the TSA objected to. No, agency officials took exception with the design of a gun on Gibbs' handbag.

There's an embossed revolver about 3" long on the outside of the purse. The TSA is claiming this is a replica firearm. I guess, in the scheme of things in the nearly 10 years of the TSA's existence, this is probably one of their tamer moments, but it really does take a special kind of something to make the jump from a realistic airsoft gun to a miniature embossing on a girl's purse. Maybe she wouldn't let them fondle her, and this was retaliation?

All I know is I'm glad the TSA is keeping us safe from purses when we're flying.

That is all.

Need a Laugh?

After the heavy news, we need something to make us laugh, right?

Robb Allen gives the top ten reasons creepy van guy is better than the TSA.

UPDATE: PISSED has sent in a picture of the van in question:


Robb is one funny bastard, that's all I'm sayin'...

That is all.

BOHICA...

I may never fly again.

Security officials see renewed interest in implanted explosives

Washington (CNN) -- Terrorists intent on striking commercial aircraft have shown renewed interest in surgically implanting explosives in humans to circumvent airport security, a U.S. security official tells CNN.

The idea of implanting bombs has been discussed in the past, but the United States has obtained fresh intelligence about the desire of terrorists to implant devices, according to the official.

You think going through airport security is a farce now? Just wait until you have to stand behind every overweight, overly endowed, scarred, or (slightly) different body type because they *might* have a bomb implanted in them. Think the current state of pat-downs and scans are intrusive? Wait until they want a full medical x-ray just to get on the plane.

Y'know, I wonder if this isn't just a ruse from the tangos. I picture them hanging out in a cave near Bora Bora, doing opium hits off a giant bong, coming up with the most bizarre plots imaginable to f**k with American security. The most far-out rumor going - if taken seriously - can have vastly deeper implications than a foiled plot - if they get us all paranoid about implanted bombs, there's no telling the depths to which we'll sink trying to foil that type of plot.

Then again, given the success of the shoe- and underwear- bombers, it might be comic gold! See crazy Apu blow his nuts off trying to detonate his prostate bomb! Watch Achmed pass out in the airport concourse because his backroom surgery got infected! Howl with riotous laughter at the footage of a poorly constructed bomb explodes too early, removing an entire cell.

In any case, something tells me this ain't gonna end well...

That is all.

We Interrupt This Broadcast...

...for a "man on the scene" report on the TSA. Roving MArooned reporter SCI-FI recently traveled to sunny Texas to attend Phlegmfest 2011, and was kind enough to provide this eyewitness report of enduring the Transporation Security Agency.

Here's his report:

As part of my never-ending job as MArooned's roving correspondent, I was recently deployed to the wilds of Texas to attend PhlegmPhest 2011. I'll submit THAT field report after Jay pays my expense report -- in the meantime, he asked about my trip through TSA. That story is a freebie:

MrsSCI-FI and I got to the airport early for our free grope, mainly because I refuse the nudie-scanners, but also because we had unorthodox traveling companions: six fat lobsters chilled in frozen vegetables.
(Yes, live lobsters. Yes, on a plane.)
[Ed.: I've had about enough of these motherf**king lobsters on this motherf**king plane!]
My wife and I approached the Guardians of the Gate, watching as the Trail Boss and his men herded cattle through the nudie-scanner. We stripped ourselves of anything not safe for airplane travel: bags, cellphones, shoes, dignity, etc, and explained to Guard #1 that the carry-on contains 6 very fat, very live lobsters: "Do these get hand inspected, or do we put them on the belt?"
[Ed.: I am impressed they were not "confiscated" as "contraband". Or rubber band]
The guard stared, utterly nonplussed, and stated that they go on the belt with everything else. Great. Can't wait to see the expression on the X-Ray tech's face when the Six-Pack of Crustaceans rolls through.

Unfortunately, before the lobsters make their debut, we ran into the Trail Boss. MrsSCI-FI announced that she has a medical implant, and must be scanned by hand. Not "Maybe." Not "Scan her Anyway." Not "Subject to TSA override."

Trail Boss, however, knew better. "We get passengers with implants all the time. Just go through." Not a smiling, friendly comment; this was a variation on "Move your ass, you're holding up my line."
[Ed.: Lobsters, OTOH, get a pass]
She repeated her request for a pat-down, and Trail Boss repeated that she is going through the nudie-scanner.

At about the start of the third round of this, I held up my "STOP" hand and repeated what the Mrs had said. Wife, however, was having no problems at this point: she just flat wasn't going through, and the Trail Boss had had enough. He called for a female guard, and told my wife to stand to the side and wait.

Then I stepped up. He looked at me in a manner that I can only imagine Hitler would look at a Jewish mosquito: as if he had some innate "need" to destroy me for interrupting his browbeating.

Doubling-down on trouble, I stated flatly: "Pat down. No scanner." Trail Boss directed me to the "Get out of my way" line next to my wife, and called for a male guard. Somewhere on the scanner belt, our lobsters were laughing up their sleeves at our misadventures.

It's worth pointing out the following: after my wife had been paired off with her designated TSA groper, I saw a family get waved through with no scan. At least five people, one of them an infant, were waved past us all. No magnetometer, no nudie-scanner, no pat-down. I'm not even certain their carry-ons were x-rayed. I pressed the Trail Boss for an explanation: "Why are they just walking through?"

The answer was a load of crap: "We need to relieve congestion." (Wording *not* exact; but damned close.) I went so far as to gripe again (tripling-down on trouble?), but Trail Boss virtually ignored me. No further acknowledgement whatsoever.

After cooling my heels for about five minutes, I was handed off to my male groper. He asked me to point out my carry-on bags, which I did, including the case with the lobsters. He instructed me not to approach them, then took me aside, offered me the choice of doing the colonoscopy in the middle of the TSA checkpoint, or in a private office. I opted for the public grope. I silently wondered if the lobsters had died of boredom by this point.

This pat-down was unlike my previous grope (November 2010). This was rough, like I was being arrested. The more jostling I endured, the more angry I became. When he slid his hands up my inner thighs, each slide culminated in a solid hit on The Boys, port and starboard. I cleared my throat after the first hit, then louder after the second.

Total time for the pat-down was probably just under five minutes. Total cost was my dignity, my appearance (the prodding was enough to untuck my shirt), and two bruised nuts. I tucked my shirt in, grabbed my shoes and carry-on full of lobsters, and stalked off to meet my wife.

The lobsters, for what it's worth, were a hit at the party.

---

Hmmm. Unnecessary and punitive grope-downs. Ineffective and circumvented security procedures. And crustaceans. This report has everything! Thanks for the report, SCI-FI; that expense report should be approved shortly...

The TSA could not be reached for comment, relying on this audio press release...

That is all.

A Simple Question...

In the wake of the following story, I am left with a question:

The face of a system failure

The age listed in the passport was 26. The man who presented the document to security officers at John F. Kennedy International Airport was 40. His face bore only a passing resemblance to the photograph.

Yet, Luis Guaman cleared security without incident last month and boarded a plane for his native Ecuador using an Ecuadoran passport in the name of Segundo Castro.

Officials are quick to point out that:

"...the priority for airport security is not catching fleeing felons, but rather “to keep the airplane from falling out of the sky.’’

So here's my question for the TSA, then:

If you don't check the validity of the passport to insure that the person getting on the plane is precisely who they claim to be, what the hell is the purpose of having a "no fly" list?

Transparent Security Agency is a better name for it...

That is all.

Concerning...

TSA shuts door on private airport screening program

Washington (CNN) -- A program that allows airports to replace government screeners with private screeners is being brought to a standstill, just a month after the Transportation Security Administration said it was "neutral" on the program.

TSA chief John Pistole said Friday he has decided not to expand the program beyond the current 16 airports, saying he does not see any advantage to it.

Translated: It doesn't grow the power of the Federal government fast enough. Eradicate it. I especially liked this bit:

He said airports that currently use contractor screening will continue to be allowed to.

Anyone who believes this? Please get in touch with me. I happen to have an incredible deal on a bridge in Brooklyn and/or some beachfront property in Arizona was should discuss... $100 says that this program is very quietly discontinued over the next year as permits come up for renewal and are denied one by one.

What jumped out at me in the article was that there was a discussion on whether the private screening was better than TSA or merely the same. Not if it was substandard, but better than or equal to - is there any reason, then, to discontinue the process? Well, other than to grow the government further I mean.

This bears watching - no good can come of anything with the letters "T", "S", and "A" attached to it...

That is all.

Makes You Wonder...

I'm not condoning this, but...

Man Arrested After Incident On Logan Flight

BOSTON (CBS) – A man was removed from a US Airways flight at Logan Airport and arrested Monday morning after an incident on board.

Massport spokeman Phil Orlandella told WBZ-TV the unidentified man was standing in the aisle of flight 2025 to Reagan National in Washington, D.C. during boarding and refused to move or stop talking on his cell phone.

The very next line is the following:

When he stored his luggage in the overhead bin, there was a suspicious electronic noise coming from it, which concerned some passengers, Orlandella said.

I wonder if this was legitimate, or if it was one of those, he's being an obnoxious jerk, so absorbed in his own little world that he was delaying the flight so someone "heard" a "suspicious" noise coming from his bag? I mean, I certainly don't condone removing obnoxious people from airplanes just because they're being jerks - no, wait, that's exactly what I condone.

Of course, I condone them being removed out the cargo bay shortly after take-off...

That is all.

Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes?

TSA Worker Accused Of Assault Had Prior Record

ATLANTA -- Channel 2 Action News has learned a TSA security worker accused of abducting and sexually assaulting a woman had previously been convicted of misdemeanor harassment and stalking.

Randall King remains hospitalized following a suicide attempt. Police said last Wednesday, King agreed to drive a woman home from the airport. Instead, investigators said King took her to a MARTA station parking lot and placed novelty handcuffs on her.

The news report then goes on to list that the dude had nine different harassment/stalking charges, and had done time for skipping on court cases. Apparently this is not a sufficiently disqualifying event to preclude one from working for the Testicle Squeezing Authority. But as we all remember from former Senate Majority Leader Tom D'asshat Daschle, these are "professionalized" folks here - after all, they are federalized.

TSA: Another bad idea brought to you by George W. Bush and made intolerable by Barack Øbama...

That is all.

Thanks to PISSED for the link.