Hoo boy. I'm an angry, angry man today... In no particular order:
*To the landscaping company whose truck I followed at 20 MPH through three towns this morning: TEACH YOUR FUCKING EMPLOYEES HOW TO DRIVE THE FUCKING TRUCK AND TRAILER. Nothing says "We hire incompetent dipshits and don't properly train them" like a 19 year old driving an F-350 pulling a 25 ft. enclosed trailer at 20 MPH down the center of the road. When there's a parade of cars 30-something deep, you've bought yourself a world of bad pub. An hour in a parking lot spent teaching the new guys how to handle the rig will translate into 30+ fewer pissed off people. And in that same vein...
*To the carpentry company ripping off the Martha's Vineyard restaurant: Don't park your fucking 26' box truck on a narrow street with ALL FOUR FUCKING TIRES ON THE FUCKING PAVEMENT. You slowed traffic to a g-ddamned crawl as people struggled to get around your giant red truck. As we faced down oncoming traffic because of your inability to get your truck even vaguely off the road, we had plenty of time to fume and permanently cross your company off the list of "people to do business with". While you may be sparing your customer's front yard, you're doing it at the expense of EVERY OTHER PERSON WHO NEEDS TO USE THE PUBLIC ROAD YOU'RE ILLEGALLY PARKED ON.
*To the white Crown Vic: When a thick plume of blue smoke comes out of your tailpipe every time you press the accelerator, that's a bad thing. To the best of my knowledge, Ford never made a diesel variant of the Crown Vic, which means your engine is burning oil. A lot of oil. Get it fixed, soon, before you turn your grandma-luxobarge into a lawn ornament.
*To the brown minivan who was unable to pass the bicyclist in the town square. Turn in your license. Seriously dude. Yeah, I know the dipshit cyclist was riding in the middle of the street, but with no oncoming traffic and a top speed of 15 MPH, you could have made it around him before he finally wised the fuck up and moved over. Oh, yeah, and stopping in the middle of the road to pull an illegal u-turn cements my impression that you're an asshole.
*To the aforementioned cyclist: Dude... Grow a brain. While in the most technical of senses you "are traffic", you're also approximately 1/20th smaller than anything else on the road. All it takes is one other asshole with poor impulse control to turn your spandex-clad ass into road pizza. Use some common sense before you wind up a hood ornament. Really. I cycle, too; I just use my head when I'm on two wheels...
Ahhh. That feels better. Now, off to face another exciting day of pencil-pushing...
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15 comments:
Jay, These are by FAR my faroite rants here at MArooned
Keep 'em Commin!
Arrr
Um... Are we related?
And you wonder why they call us massholes.
If you want to be truely annoyed with driving ineptitude go driving in Wisconsin. Coming back to Mass after a week of that was like heaven.
Which is pretty f'ing scary.
Massachusetts is the ONLY state in which I've refused to deal with rush hour.
I parked.
I found a nice restaurant and I had a leisurely dinner. Then I shopped for a couple of hours.
I'd be totally nuts if I had to drive in your state on anything resembling a regular basis.
Anony: *Coming back to Mass after a week (in WI) of that was like heaven.* Surely Boston was not included included in MA's heaven. Boston drivers had to have been the devil's spawn of drivers in Germany and New Orleans.
After eighteen years of driving in Dallas and then moving to the boonies, I brought my TX road rage with me. Lexapro has finally helped to calm me down. However, I think that every driver here should be shipped off to Dallas, LA, etc., and those who survive could possibly be allowed to return.
If you think those people are bad, the drivers in Maine are absolutely incapable of moving their vehicles in anything approaching a reasonable fashion.
The Caribbean is even worse.
Anonymous Wisconsin hater,
I've driven in Wisconsin, and I've driven in Mass. I'll take Wisconsin anyday. Over the years I've driven in more than half the states, from sea to shining sea, and Mass is _the_ _worst._ Worse than I-405 in Los Angeles during rush hour.
Sorry, but you'll never convince me that Mass is anything but the armpit of the driving universe.
Youse guys make me laugh. Try driving in Israel, where I live. Even during the height of the intifadas, you were twice as likely to be run over by a maniacal Israeli driver than killed by a terrorist.
Heh heh heh. Thanks to Ambulance Driver and his readers for stopping by!
Weer'd, glad you like the rants. Posting them here is one of the ways I stay sane... :)
Knitalot3, I can't tell if that's a serious question (in which case it depends on whether you like my writing or not...) or if you identify with my irritation towards idiot drivers...
anon, I've only driven in WI once, but didn't find them too bad. Montreal, Quebec, OTOH, scared the bejeezus out of me. Of course, that could also have been because I was tooling around in a brand new Cadillac rental that I had because I'd been T-boned a week before...
Judy, I don't drive in Boston proper unless absolutely necessary. They don't make Valium tablets large enough for that... ;)
falco, MA/Boston drivers consistently rank in the top 3 "America's Worst Drivers" surveys. I think we just let NY and FL (I think) take the #1 slot every once in a while to be fair... ;)
Ben, the biggest problem I've encountered in Maine are the freakin' logging trucks. Nothing like going 80 MPH on the Maine Turnpike in a little econobox and getting passed by a GIANT rig pulling several thousand pounds of trees going at LEAST 95 MPH...
anon2, thank you for confirming that we're #1! ;)
Antigonos, I've never driven outside of North America, so I'll have to take your word for it. Friends who have been to Europe say that Italians (my people) are even worse...
And if you think Italian drivers are bad, try being driven around Dublin by one. I took to closing my eyes and praying hard. At least when I was there, lo these many years ago, traffic signals were considered advisory by many. If you saw a dented old black Morris Minor coming towards you, you got the hell out of the way, since it was invariably an older farmer, who never had a driving lesson in his life, and his car was bigger than yours.
I'm told that Belgium was worse since they hadn't instituted tests to get drivers' licenses until sometime in the 60s.
Overall, I think drivers have gotten worse or at least ruder. Either that, or I'm getting even more intolerant of idiots in my old age. I didn't have the desire to permanently revoke several licenses a day five years ago. Now a day that I don't want anyone off the road permanently is unusual.
As a resident Montrealer, I can say you weren't paranoid. My sister in law once went to Boston. She found the traffic relaxing in comparison to la belle province.
I like your writing and completely identify with your take on drivers. (we probably are not related)
I can't recommend riding in a cab in Mexico without a couple of drinks first. Anything bigger than a nissan was dented on all four sides.
Oy, My Gatos! I've only read your weight loss post and this post and already I'm hooked.
Came here by way of AD and Speaker Tweaker.
I learned to drive in Houston and have to say that althought the drivers there are crazy, at least there is a method to their madness. Dallas drivers are just plain BugNutsCrazy. I hate driving in Dallas. Fort Worth drivers are MUCH nicer.
Last week I was back in Dallas for a bit and it took me a few miles to remember that speed limits are for the weak and turn signals are for the cowardly.
I took care of one such spandex-clad asshole... I was driving a 2 1/2 ton bobtail Chevy diesel in heavy traffic. I'm in the right-hand lane on a six-lane road in rush-hour traffic, and Mr. Fancypants is pedaling his ass along in the middle of the lane in front of me. Of course, dozens of vehicles on the road see a large cargo truck going slowly with "nothing" in front. Horns and hand gestures as frustrated drivers pass my cab, not realizing until *after* they've passed me that the problem is a little larger than a speck on my massive bumper.
After having been forced to follow him for some time, I finally managed to swing-wide (forced to cut another driver who was trying to pass ME) to get around him. THEN...
At 15 miles an hour, I shifted all the way up to 5-HI (essentially 10th gear), lugging the engine and churning out thick-black diesel smoke by the POUND for his helmeted pinhead to choke on. Within 30 seconds, he conceded defeat, pulling to the side of the road, gasping for a pocket of breathable fresh air - and no doubt cussing ME in return.
Heh. Cyclist 0 - BFT 1: Body count - 0
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