Alternate title: The REAL reason Americans hate small cars.
I was struggling to come up with today's list - I was trying to put together a list of cool small cars, and got about halfway through and was just stumped for the remaining five. The more I thought about it, the more I started to realize I had an easy Top Ten list on the flip side: Crappy small cars. And then I thought about it some more - most of the cars on the list are American cars.
Think there's a correlation between Americans liking large cars and American small cars being crappy?
Anyways, here's the list of Top Ten Crappy Small Cars. Enjoy!
1. Geo Metro - How do you go wrong with a car that gets over 50 MPG on the highway? You make it susceptible to implosion upon collision with anything larger than a hummingbird. Oh, and give it an odd number of cylinders, a number more commonly found on weird British motorcycles than in American cars.
2. Ford Fiesta - One of the first true American "econoboxes", the Fiesta put the "shit" in "shitbox". As would continue to be the case even today, in the late 1970s Ford took a European model, slapped a new name on it, and brought it to market in the US. This pathetic attempt at combatting the onslaught of small, economical cars from VW, Honda, Datsun, and Toyota was epic FAIL.
3. Dodge Omni - Mopar was not immune to the "ZOMG we must make crappy small cars" malaise that swept the Big Three in the late '70s when Japanese cars started making inroads. Much as Ford and GM did at the time, Chrysler grabbed a European offering, slapped a new name on it, and set it loose on Main Street.
4. Hyundai XL - Offering a low-cost, fuel economical car at a time of rising gas prices seems like it should be a winning combination. Throw in that the state of American car manufacture from the late 1970s through the 1980s was spotty at best, and people were willing to take a chance on the little Korean car. Problem was, the little Korean car started making people remember the crappy American cars fondly...
5. Ford Festiva - "It's a Ford! It's a Festiva!" Even the advertising jingle for this particulary craptacular POS was terrible. Ford, never one to shy away from taking bad idea and making it worse, took the Fiesta concept to the next level - this time, they didn't just take a European version and re-badge it for the US, they took a crappy Korean POS and re-badged it for the US.
6. Pontiac LeMans - and speaking of taking a crappy Korean POS and re-badged it for the US, Pontiac shat all over the sleeper muscle car LeMans (affectionally known in the early '70s as "LeGoat", as it shared many of the same features as the GTO) by rebadging a Daewoo as the LeMans in the late 1980s (Note: European version Opel Kadett shown in picture).
7. Renault Alliance - It's French {shudder}. It was partnered with AMC {shudder}. There was even a stretch-limousine available... Quality was about on par with the other lousy cars of the time, and it offered the same abysmal performance and shockingly marginal fuel economy as every other crappy econobox of the time. But we get to kick the French again, so...
8. Ford Aspire - Ford gets the dubious distinction of having the same crappy idea three times in a row with the Aspire. Following the rousing success of the Fiesta (cough) and the Festiva (cough), Ford tried one last time to re-badge a crappy car and sell it in the US. And, for the third time, they failed...
9. Yugo GV- "What country is this car from?" "It... no longer exists". This exchange, from the "Mr. Plow" episode of the Simpsons, was obviously aimed at the eastern European Yugo. Second only to perhaps the Trabant for lousy quality, the Yugo was known for whimsically breaking down while still on the assembly line.
10. Chevrolet Chevette - "Chevy Chevette, it'll drive you happy!" Err, um, no. About the only redeeming quality of the Chevette was that it allowed a whole generation of nerds to sidle up to the prom queen and ask "hey cutie, wanna ride in my 'Vette?"...
Whoa. Serious crapitude there. So, tell me, what other crappy cars are there? Anyone have any good experience with any of these cars? (No, really, I'm serious. No, stop laughing. C'mon!). If nothing else, take this list as a cautionary example of how bad things have been in the automotive world...
That is all.
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32 comments:
No, no good experience, but one that qualifies as a horror story -
Some years back, my recently fledged step-daughter decided to call "fail" and come home for a breather from the real world. I flew to Tampa and helped he pack all her worldly goods in the back of a six-month old Geo Metro (absolutely solid) and proceeded to drive her home (straight through) to north east Iowa. The front edge of the seat didn't quite reach to my mid-thigh and I'm only 5 ft 8 in.
Couldn't walk for three days at the end of that road trip.
What a piece of shit.
How in the world could you forget the AMC Gremlin/Spirit...
Okay, is it disturbing that my family owned some of these. We had a Dodge Omni that lasted a long time. It was a bit finicky on the carburetor system. But other than that ran a long time. Had a Hyundai Excel, it kicked the bucket at 75,000.
Yes, serious suckitude there.
OTOH, the Yaris really needs to go on the cool/cute little cars list! (Yes I love my Yaris!)
I think it's worth noting that the three-hamster engine was a feature only of the early Geo Metro hatchbacks. Later and larger Metros had four-bangers. Also worth noting is that the Geo line (three or four models) was GM's first venture into rebadging: each of the different models was made by a different overseas manufacturer. The Metro was actually made by Suzuki.
Ford Escort. Mine was OK when it ran, but spartan compared to the Corolla it replaced. It also stopped running seemingly at random. It ate fuel pumps at the most inopportune times.
jeg43,
I remember driving a Metro back in the early 90s when my mom's Lumina needed work (A Lumina? Needing work? Who knew?).
The best that could be said about it was that it was easy to park - a buddy of mine and I went into Boston with it, and got it into a parking space barely larger than the car itself by getting the nose in place and then picking up the rear of the car and swinging it in against the curb ourselves...
The Saj,
I thought about the Gremlin/Pacer, but they've already made the Ugly '70s car list...
Elizabeth,
I'm going to put together a list of good econoboxes in the near future. The Yaris is definitely on it...
wolfwalker,
Good catch. It was the Metro XFi that was the 3-banger, AAMOF.
However, it was far from GM's first re-badge attempt - the Nova (1985) was a rebadged Toyota Corolla; and going back even further the Chevy Luv pickup in the 1970s was a rebadged Isuzu KB...
TOTWTYTR,
I struggled with the exclusion of the Escort, but Ford already had 3/10 entries...
In a completely unrelated but rapidly approaching note, what do you think about Hilltop Steakhouse for the AD dinner?
I owned a Festiva, and I'd gladly own another. It was meant to be a cheap car, both to buy and to drive, and it did that superbly. Yes, it did feel like it was made from plastic and tinfoil, but it wasn't uncomfortable, my head wasn't jammed into the headliner (like in lots of other, bigger cars), and I got above 39mpg reliably, with air conditioning on a car with over 150,000 miles.
It is a lot like a P3AT--Cheap, plastic and tiny, but does the job just fine, as long as you aren't asking too much from it.
My first car was a Metro (1989 LSi), and it was actually pretty good, considering.
Surprising capacity, more than adequate power for weighing barely over a ton.
(Of course, mine was not just the highest trim level, but the long-wheelbase 5-door, not the tiny 3-door. A 3 door XFi might be a different beast entirely in practice.)
To clarify, all the early Metros used the 3 cylinder engine, regardless of trim level - the 4 cylinder came in later years.
(And don't forget that Mercedes, Volkswagen and Volvo have made a lot of 5 cylinder engines over the years, and even GM's gotten in on the deal - e.g. in the Colorado.)
Ok, so the hummingbird bit made me laugh. A lot.
My only real experience with any of those was a friend owning a Ford Aspire... Every time she went to accelerate, the little hamster inside the engine shrieked like it was being fed a milimeter at a time through a woodchipper. That pretty much soured me off those cars in the future.
Ford Pinto. 'nough said.
Ah, the memories...
Fondly do I recall, back in the days of my childhood, cramming eight people into a Chevette. That would be my aunt, uncle, 5 cousins, & myself. I have no idea why that oversized flea struck my uncle as the perfect family car.
My best friend owned an Aspire his freshman year of college. I loved that little thing. It was bright red and...well, when you're 17/18 years old, that's really all you want, isn't it.
"The Metro was actually made by Suzuki."
Yeah, a friend of mine had a Suzuki Swift (*snort*) that was either Suzuki's version of the Metro or something very close.
One of its more...entertaining...quirks was that if you ever attempted to open the door while the car was moving, it's automated locking system would break the fucking door handle. Literally.
Let's just say that getting out of that car was rather interesting, and usually involved rolling down the windows so you could use the exterior door handles, because the interior door handles were quite thoroughly trashed.
Kind of embarrassing. I've actually owned three of the cars on your list. No details, I want to forget...
I forgot about the Pinto, and it is what I learned to drive on, and later the same car was given to me for free. No way it is a better car than the Festiva, it worse than a Chevette.
On the other hand, it was possible to install a 302 V-8, apparently without much trouble. Makes the Pinto a lot more interesting.
When I was commuting 600+ miles a week I bought an Omni. I LOVED that little POS!. Mine was a bit newer, so it had the 2.2L instead of the older 1.7L. Had a set of 70 series tires on it and it handled pretty well, had enough power to smoke the front wheels, and got 25mpg or better. with the back seat folded down it had plenty of room for the camping gear, and I even slept back there plenty of times. I'd take another in a heartbeat.
Hilltop would work fine.
I can't complain about my first car being on here: I had an '80s Shoveit. Was actually a fairly reliable car, until someone pulled out in front of me and it got totalled (the twit that pulled out? Minor damage to their right/rear quarter panel)
Dated a girl that had the Metro. Great concept: the engine and tranny are all one piece.
Had roomies in the Nav that owned a Festiva. That POS ended up stranding me about 2 miles south of Miramar (thank you, admiral Whoeveryouwere, for loaning a poor sailor a couple bucks for oil). Of course, tha owner refusing to change or check the oil probably had something to do with the problem...
I had a very positive experience with my old eo Metro. Please go to this post, and check out item # 2.
James
James,
YIKES! Okay, I can see your affectation for the Metro under those circumstances.
At least when people have tried to kill me, they've had the decency to use cool stuff like switchblades and chainsaws...
James:
I think what that picture shows is that your head added substantially to the Geo's strength. :)
Don't tell anyone, but I bought a Dodge Omni 024 back in 1980 while stationed in Germany. Canary Yellow & Black. Supposed to be a souped up version of the Omni with ralley wheels, sunroof and spoiler. The sunroof leaked, battery exploded, and it needed a major alignment all within the first year. Increadible POS. Sold it off after year. I heard later on that it caught fire in the PX parking lot. Epic fail.
Jay, you forgot about the Chevy Vega. Ick. What a POS.
I have to admit that I liked the Metro for one reason: the loaner fleet at Concord Subaru had one with a stick. I love to drive a stick, but since my wife cannot (for health reasons - ankle problems) I really can't buy one. So I'd freak the folks at Concord Subaru out by specifically requesting the loaner with the stick shift when I brought the Suby in for service.
On another note... how about the top ten completely HUGE American cars? I could nominate a couple for that list... Or maybe American luxury cars or something like that. (Yes, there were more than the Caddy & Lincoln in that category...)
My father had a thing for Chevettes and must have owned 4 or 5 of them.
While in public I'd say I hated them, in private I was impressed when I threw a big cast iron woodstove into the hatchback and the thing still managed to charge up hills.
Also remember fondly my 60 year old father doing clutch work on one and handing me the manual transmission from under the car - one handed.
I think most of these were truly craptastic but would probably replace one or two of them with the following - Chevy Vega and/or Ford Pinto. Lets also not forget the Renault LeCar which was awesomely bad. Actually liked the Dodge Omni if for no reason than it had a great little engine in it.
Ahh, someone DID mention the 'Le Car!'
You forgot one Jay.
The Subaru Justy.
"And don't forget that Mercedes, Volkswagen and Volvo have made a lot of 5 cylinder engines over the years, and even GM's gotten in on the deal - e.g. in the Colorado.)"
Sigivald - Acura as well. The Vigor had an inline 5.
Mike,
Actually, the Justy was mentioned. It's actually from the same platform as the Geo Metro...
I have a second-hand positive story on Chevette. I was working in a small pharmacy that offered photo processing. Our photo delivery driver had a 1980 Chevette that he put 7,500 miles A MONTH on - 90 - 100K a year. At 200k he replaced the tranny - and totalled it the next month.
My 81-year-old grandmother owns an Aspire... I hate driving that car with a passion. Especially considering I'm close to a foot taller than her.
She also owned a Yugo at one point when I was younger. All I remember was my mom borrowing it to run an errand, me going with, and us not getting home for like six hours because it broke down on the other side of Houston.
Screw that noise.
I had to rent a Chevette once, because it was the only car they had that my employer would pay for. It was the first car I ever drove where the time from 0 to 60MPH could be measured with a calendar. I thought I was going to die driving it.
Festivas, Fiestas, and Metros are great cars. Someone assumed in the comments list that the Justy is the same platform as the Suzuki Swift/Metro.. It's not.. It's a Subaru.
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