In five minutes President Øbama will give his first State of the Union address. I'll be right here, giving my impressions and snark, the whole time. It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it to keep 'em honest...
Fasten your seatbelts; we're in for a bumpy night.
More to come...
9:00 PM: The start of the SotU... Watching Fox News (of course).
Eric Holder has his own issues. Yeah, like ignoring terrorism as fast as he can...
9:05 PM: Keeping true to form, sci-fi called. He does not approve of the name "iPad"...
You know the question he wanted to ask was "Does this guy have a f**king clue?"
WTF was that? "General Life Anxiety"? Is this a SotU or Dr. Phil?
And here comes Black Jesus!
9:07 PM: Is it just me, or is that like the most tepid applause Øbama has ever received? It sounds like it's mainly his family and the commentators from MSNBC...
Sarah Palin on Fox. I'm sure that choice surprises no one.
9:10 PM: And Nancy Pelosi looks lovely in lilac. I think I just channeled Joan Rivers...
Øbama, Biden, and Pelosi. Harry Reid is stuffed in a trunk somewhere...
And Øbama comes out sounding like Elvis...
sci-fi comments: "I think this is the first time he's ever read the Constitution"
HOLY SHIT. I think he just said "Depression"...
Here it comes. Health care...
You can see the thought bubble over Øbama's head: "Teleprompter One. Teleprompter Two. Teleprompter One. Teleprompter Two. Teleprompter One. Teleprompter Two."
Is Biden a bobble-head or what?
He's heard about these issues from all 57 states...
sci-fi commented that he was kicking his TV over to high-def. I guess he wants to count every plug on Biden's head...
9:15 PM: You can almost see it on his face: "Are the simps buying this?"
WOW That root canal joke fell FLAT. Any flatter it'd be Rachel Corrie...
That's a POSITIVE? We recovered MOST of the money???
HERE WE GO. Soak the banks. As though they're NOT going to IMMEDIATLY pass it on to the consumer...
Um... Offering tax "rebates" is not a tax cut.
9:23 PM: Keep saying the same thing and it will become the truth, eh? Where have we heard that before?
Cops? Like the ones that acted "stupidly" in Boston?
WOW. That was a SMALL standing O. It was more like a standing cheerio...
WHOA. Back up the truck Barry. Your vaunted stimulus is SCREWING schools. Positions that should have been cut last year are now coming due for renewal, and have to be cut now. We're getting calls for tax overrides now here as it is.
Another jobs bill. Didn't see that coming. Let me guess, it's Bush fault...
"Community banks". There's something to that term... Something tells me he isn't telling us everything...
And we're gonna give everyone a shiny new dime... and a PONY!
More infrastructure. Does this mean that more perfectly stable bridges are going to get ANOTHER coat of paint because they're "shovel-worthy"?
HIGH SPEED RAIL???
ARE YOU SHITTING ME? This has got to due to the gleaming success story that is Amtrak...
He's not giving a SotU address. He's playing Santa Claus. Again. With my money.
9:30 PM: 7 million jobs lost over the last two years. Okay, you've been in charge for half of that time. Your party has been in control of the House and Senate that entire time.
Did he just say gridlock? Doesn't one party control all three branches? How can there possibly be gridlock?
CHINA is investing in clean energy? ON WHAT PLANET?
Hoo boy. Hold on to your wallets. Here it comes...
"I'm not interested in"... How many times have we heard that now?
"...running GM"
"...setting salaries for Wall Street"
"...regulating banks"
See a theme here?
So Øbama's gonna cure cancer now?
WHOA. Did he just say "NUCLEAR"??? That was... unexpected.
9:35 PM: Is Pelosi sitting on a pogo stick? She keeps launching herself out of her seat...
OVERWHELMING scientific evidence of CLIMATE CHANGE??? Does he mean the data they made up out of whole cloth???
We will double our exports in the next five years while at the same time reducing emissions and keeping pace with Germany. All the while creating tens of millions of new jobs, curing cancer, and making free energy out of unicorn farts. That's what I'm getting out of this...
Holy crap. Pelosi and Biden look like the SNL cheerleader skit with all the stand-up-sit-down-fight-fight-fight...
9:41 PM: Right. What we really need is MORE people suckling at the government teat.
And "no one should broke paying for college"??? EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME???
Live within your means. Save. Work hard to pay off your loans early. Don't get a fucking useless degree in reviewing medieval turkish romance novels.
And, as certain as the sun rises, we come back to health care reform.
Wow. I wish I was half as witty as Barack thinks he is.
9:45 PM: Hmmm. I'm sure this will shock no one, but he's not talking about tort reform for the legal lotto of malpractice lawsuits...
Temperatures cool? Didn't he just say that global warming was scientifically settled?
So... everything that's wrong with America is either the fault of:
1. George Bush.
2. Insurance companies
3. George Bush
4. Wall Street banks
5. George Bush
I miss anything?
9:50 PM: Here we go... He's blaming Bush. AGAIN.
Can someone please remind this bozo how fast the deficit has grown IN THE PAST YEAR?
Okay, so the Federal government is going to "tighten it's belt". Let's see what Øbama thinks "tightening" is:
1. Freeze spending.
2. Medicare, Medicaid, and SS won't be frozen. Shocker.
$20 billion in savings? I sure hope Geitner didn't do the taxes on that one...
"I refuse to pass this problem on to another generation of Americans"??? ARE YOU SHITTING ME?
EVERY SINGLE PROGRAM he's proposed so far is going to drive us further and further into a financial hole. Where is the money coming from?
This freeze won't take effect until next year. Please ignore that this puts it PAST the November election...
9:55 PM: Please, for the love of all that's good and holy, tell me this is over at 10...
How many more times is Øbama going to blame Bush for everything?
This guy looks behind him more than a NASCAR driver...
They've excluded lobbyists... Except for those that he's granted exemptions for... Who happen to be serving in his cabinet...
Is he REALLY picking a fight with the US Supreme Court???
10:00 PM: I'm sure this will be just as transparent as everything else he's bullshitted about and then gone back on...
Embarassing headlines? Like, oh, love children?
ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?????
WHY IS SCOTT BROWN NOT THERE?
This is complete and utter partisan bullshit. He is outright LYING THROUGH HIS FUCKING TEETH right now.
Supermajority? You mean like the one you USED to have???
10:05 PM: WHAT???
He's spent the past hour blaming George Bush for everything that's wrong in America. And now he's going to claim he's not looking to the past?
Wow. He actually used the word "terrorist". I owe someone a Coke...
He's giving the terrorists an end date. Lovely. Just what we need.
More semtex underoos appearing in an airliner near you...
AND IT GETS BETTER. Pull out of Iraq in the next six months.
So, according to Unicorn Boy, all terrorism man-caused disaster is done as of August 11th? WTF?
Interesting choice of words "prosecute" two wars...
Aaaaaaand no nukes!
This guy is a fucking Doonesbury caricature.
10:10 PM: Yes, we're going to bring "science and education" to "muslims" around the world. Ooookay. And giant talking broccoli stalks are going to mow my lawn for free...
He said "abroad" and Bill Clinton said "Where?"
Now we're going to open the floodgates to let illegals in...
Someone get the hook...
10:15 PM: WTF? The banker puts us at risk??? ARE YOU SERIOUS?
NO WONDER SCOTT BROWN JUST TOOK TED KENNEDY'S SEAT.
He's admonishing us to NOT POINT FINGERS? George Bush is laughing like a tickled hermit at that one...
What's next? "You had the power to go home all along!"
OH THANK GOD THAT'S OVER.
I need another beer.
That is all.
17 comments:
Oh thank god! Better you than me, kid :)
How are the beer reserves holding up?
{hic}
Did you remember to pad all of the nearby tables so you don't hurt your head?
He's talking a good game (general tax cuts, eliminate capital gains on small businesses, nuclear energy, health care reform that actually lowers premiums) but I don't see him able to deliver on them.
Shame. Some of the stuff coming up on the teleprompter is actually pretty good.
thank gawd its over, i was running outta beer. only had a 30 pack.
I know. If I had stuck to my original plan - one shot every time he blamed Bush - I'd be dead right now...
I listened to it in the shop while building the supergun.
Only once did I jump up and shout "WOLVERINES". In the new movie though, I hear it's all Bush's fault.
Folks, I think our intrepid host here has earned a Medal of Freedom tonight. Listening to over an hour of Barry Lackwit's maudlin maunderings definitely qualifies as gallantry and intrepidity far above and beyond the call of blogger-duty.
"id he just say gridlock? Doesn't one party control all three branches? How can there possibly be gridlock?"
Please tell me he didn't REALLY say that... sigh...
What I loved what how he took the ass that the Dems had handed to them in Mass and NJ as proof that
a: He's not performing his fuckery for political reasons or
b: That he just didn't do a good enough job 'splainin' things, or
c: The opposition, ANY opposition, is just opposing to be contrary.
Barak: a:You've never done ANYTHING for ANY non-political reason in your entire career. Ever.
b: You 'splained just fine. Your economics plans still suck, Obamacare is still a load of very expensive bullshit, and your foreign policy is reminiscent of an anal probing. We understand this all to well, which brings us to
c: No. We're opposing because we think your ideas will do vastly more harm than good to our country. We think this mostly because we have very different idea of what "good for our country" means. "Good" does not mean reliant upon and beholden to the government for basic survival. "Good" means individual citizens being able to (and allowed to) take care of their own shit, for better or worse.
Sorry for the long comment. Blame Bush, or Jack Daniel.
Thanks brother, I needed a good laugh tonight - that was outstanding!
HankH
Thank God I didn't watch it otherwise my blood pressure would have shot through the roof.
Thanks for taking that duty for me. I couldn't take the strain.
You are a Hero! To sit through listening to that Idjit, self important, arrogant, egotistical, ranting, raving, don't blame me it is Bush's faultmassive failure as a President for the whole damn time! And your still sane!!?? What else were you taking while watching? Besides beer? Come on! What else?? Ketamine? Nope would not remember anything. Valium?? Maybe..Hooch!! You were smoking hooch weren't you??
I refused to watch it.
My blood pressure can't stand it, and I limit my drinking to not voluntarily kill any more brain cells than I already have.
I already knew the gist of it anyway:
Lies, damn lies, free stuff, blame Bush, more lies, more damn lies, more free stuff.
Hey,
I just read your live blog. I gotta say, it's one of the better ones produced last night. Your moral clarity on this stuff is something of a gift.
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