Infuriating, Part 1

Commenter PISSED has determined that he's going to make me live up to his log-in name. He's sent me several links in the hopes of boosting my blood pressure into the red zone elucidating my response to a serious issue, namely just what the hell our law-makers are spending billion$ of our $timulu$ dollar$ on.

'Waste 102': The Final List

The 102 worst ways the government is spending your tax dollars

Here's just a select few:

100: University studying hookup behavior of female college coeds in New York ($219,000)

Do we really need to study this? I mean, what could possibly merit over $200K of my tax money going to a study of horny co-eds? Unless, of course, the findings are going to be released on fukung, in which case I wholeheartedly support this use of tax dollars...

98: Upgrades to seldom-used river cruise boat in Oklahoma ($1.8 million)

PORK! PORK! SOOO-EEY!

93: Developing a program to develop "machine-generated humor" in Illinois ($712,883)

Excuse me. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK????????????????? Nearly three quarters of a million dollars to develop a computer that tells jokes? Shit, for half that amount I'll e-mail you a random sample from Joke-of-the-Day. Obviously a funnel for a contributor of sorts...

80: Maryland group gets money to develop "real life" stories that underscore job and infrastructure-related research findings ($363,760)

Huh? In the dictionary under "redundant" it says "see: redundant". These people got $363K worth of stimulus money to write "real life" stories about people getting stimulus money? How do I get some of this action? Note to FedGov: Send me $360K. I'll spend most of it, and then write a different post every day for a year about what I did with the money. SRSLY.

77: Retrofitting light switches with motion sensors for one company in Arizona ($800,000)

Those had damn well be the best got-damn motion sensors in the damn world for $800K. Those motion sensors had better tell exactly when a person has entered a room, exactly the right level of light to use, and... Aw, fuck it, I can't justify it no matter how hard I try.

73: National dinner cruise boat company in Illinois outfitting vessels with surveillance systems to protect against terrorists ($1 million)

Because if there's any one target that al Quaeda has been hankering to strike, it's Illinois riverboat dining...

58: Low-income housing residents in one Minnesota city receiving free laptops, WiFi and iPod Touches to "educate" them in technology ($5 million)

There is only one word to describe this. FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...

56: Researching the impact of air pollution combined with a high-fat diet on obesity development in Ohio ($225,000)

Fatties die quicker. Done. Where's my $225K?

52: University in Oklahoma sending 3 researchers to Alaska to study grandparents and how they pass on knowledge to younger generations ($1.5 million)

Are you kidding me? Have a million dollars per researcher? Were they also investigating just how lavish of a junket they could envision before someone pegged the bullshit-o-meter?

45: Testing how to control private home appliances in Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts from an off-site computer ($800,000)

Because, really? What says "good use of tax dollars" better than being able to turn on a coffeemaker in Edgartown from all the way over in Hyannis? Uh, ANYTHING?

34: Demolishing 35 old laboratories in New Mexico ($212 million)

I would heartily endorse this one if the Atomic Nerds got to do the demolition...

33: Putting free WiFi, Internet kiosks and interactive history lessons in 2 Texas rest stops ($13.8 million)

Wait. Back up the WHAT THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK truck here. They spent nearly SEVEN MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS PER REST STOP??? Do these interactive kiosks give a hummer with each history lesson? Dispense heroin? Stop incoming missile attacks? Then WHAT THE HELL COSTS SEVEN DAMN MILLION DOLLARS??????

20: Researching how paying attention improves performance of difficult tasks in Connecticut ($850,000)

Also discussed were such hard-hitting topics as "Chewing: 70% less likely to choke on food" and "Getting the hell out of Jay G.'s way: 90% more likely to live through the day".

14: Arizona universities examining the division of labor in ant colonies (combined $950,000)

Because nothing says "good use of a cool million" like a proper division of labor in an ant colony. HOWEVER: if they can use this information to develop a better way of killing the little fuckers, I'll support it.

8: University in Indiana studying why young men do not like to wear condoms ($221,355)

Because it's like eating cheesecake with a baggie over your tongue. There, that'll cost you only $150K.

3: University in New York researching young adults who drink malt liquor and smoke pot ($389,357)

Someone got a grant to hang out at a Cyprus Hill concert. That's ballsy.

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All tolled, it came to nearly five billion dollars worth of our tax money spent on essentially useless items. Some have potential uses, certainly, but the overwhelming majority are pet projects, pork farms, patronage, and/or kickbacks to supporters. There's basically nothing on this list that warranted stealing money from US taxpayers at gunpoint and redistributing it. Nothing.

Not even the development of "robobees", which I will admit sounds pretty freakin' cool...

That is all.