Borepatch has an elegant paean to his dad. Go. Read.
If, when my years are dwindling and I find myself in the twilight of my life, my son were to pen such eloquent words, I would enter the kingdom of the heavens a happy man. As a father, I've come more and more to realize what an insanely difficult job it actually is; I continue to navigate the minefield of parenting on a regular basis, juggling the many activities, meting punishments, bestowing accolades; all the trappings of being the dad. Sure, I live for the times when my son and I connect - like when we're playing a familiar video game together - it's far easier to be my son's buddy than his dad.
But I have to be the dad sometimes. One of the many pitfalls we fall into is wanting so hard to be liked by our kids, to be the "cool parent", that we lose sight of the main goal: We. Are. The. Adults. It is our job, our solemn duty, to be the voice of reason, the steadfast adherent to the rules and That Which Must Be Done Though We Care Not For It - they need to eat their veggies and clean their room. It's our job to make them, no matter how much they whine and call us meanies. Heck, I consider it a compliment to be told I'm the meanest dad in history - it means I'm doing something right.
My son is currently going through a particularly rough patch of keeping up appearances. We're told on a daily basis how he is "the only child on the face of the earth" who doesn't have On-Demand/an HDTV/a computer/[insert complex piece of electronic hardware that no one under the age of 25 should possess here]. Our two trips to Disney in the past year and a half are dismissed with a wave of his hand, "Disney is so out, dad; everyone's going to Vegas/CA/Paris/[insert other exotic destination here]". It's a struggle on a daily basis to remind him that there are millions of kids out there that would swap places with him in a heartbeat, "stupid harsh" parents and all.
If, someday, he looks back on this time and realizes what we were doing, I'll be happy. I've made significant, lifestyle-altering decisions based on my desire to be a good role model for my kids - eating right, exercising, not indulging to excess, etc. I try to walk the razor's edge between being too chummy with them and too distant; of being too much their friend or too much the disciplinarian; I hope I'm striking a balance between the two. I hope that when he is older and has children of his own that he'll realize I did the best job that I knew how to do - and just how much of this "parenting" thing is made up completely on the fly.
Thanks, Borepatch, for helping us keep sight of what's important.
That is all.
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6 comments:
Hey Jay, Thanks for the link to BP.
Your words here ring true as well. I think as we get older we realize more and more about what our parents have done for us.
I read this one (link below) a while back and printed it out to keep in my truck. I would remember it when I drove to my parents and it gave me extra patience to enjoy the visit and know that they will one day not be here.
This one had be tearing up bad so make sure you bring the hankies, or at least blame it on an accidental release of pepper spray, your call :)
PISSED
http://sippicancottage.blogspot.com/2009/03/my-father-asks-for-nothing.html
Amen, JayG. That's the hardest part for me too. I understand and fulfill the obligations of being a good parent but, damn it, sometimes it just sucks! Heh...guess that's part of switching from just being an adult to actually being a grownup.
It's also one of the things my Dad instilled in me through example and what I try to emulate.
Thank you, Jay. I sure wish I didn't have the opportunity to have to write that.
Your son will understand you better on the day his first child is born.
I bucked and chafed and fretted my poor parents, my mom and stepdad, fierce. I was the real problem child; angry, unhappy with everything, ungrateful, you name it. I was angry at my father, taking it out on others, being a genuine screwed up teenage brat. I got pretty sick my senior year of high school and wound up in the hospital where a very kind male orderly explained the way things really were to me; you're part of the solution or you're part of the problem. I thought he was a pretty cool guy and did what he suggested, joined The Corps. Uncle Sam straightened my ass out real quick!
I'm grateful to my mother and stepfather for never backing down and always demanding more from me and I am grateful to that Vietnam Vet for berating me into joining up, too. You'll get over this rough patch because you have something maybe your son's peers parents don't. Convictions, rules and discipline. He'll thank you for it as I have thanked others for their support. Cause that is exactly what the PC b.s. term 'tough love' is. Good old fashioned support.
I was cast as meanest Dad in the community. However most weekends and every Holiday I had trouble counting the kids in the house. Several visitors commented ours was the only place they were allowed to spend the night as their parents knew they would be supervised. To them we were the cool parents.We gave them a lot of leash but jerked it back when needed. We very seldom had to pull on the leash. I can't count the kids who accompanied us to their first and only college ball game.
2 of mine are gone and pretty much on their own.
(one is in college out of state).
Other parents brag on what a role model my children were to theirs and helped theirs to stay in bounds when tempted. The last one is still rebeling but plans to join up soon. Nothing a good drill instructor cant fix.
In closing the 2 eldest tell me how much " How much smarter I got between the time they 16 and 22"
I ran across the link here, after a lifetime, it seems.
I still think that The Boy will understand you once his first child is born. And when his child graduates. And when he decides to talk to you after not talking to you for a while.
I hope your boy (and girl), and my boys write with such love and affection as you just did here.
You're a good man, and a good example. Both your children are better for that. I expect that your Dad was a good example to you, and that you are the man I'm pleased to call my friend, in part because of that.
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