Yesterday I posted a disturbing video of a Porsche 911 being crushed into a cube in the name of art. It got me to thinking, though - what cars should be tossed into a crusher for art's sake? Or just because they deserve to be crushed into a cube?
So here's my list of cars to substitute for the Porsche 911 in the crusher:
1. Pontiac LeMans. No. NO NO NO NO NO. You did NOT just take the marque from the entry level 1960s/70s muscle car and slap it on some Korean POS. WHY GM WHY!
2. Chrysler K-Car. Really? Do I need to say anything about why the K-Car deserves to die?
3. Renault Alliance. Ugly styling *and* French engineering! If only it exploded on impact! Add in that it was grossly underpowered and tended to stop running after distances measured in feet, and the Alliance (trying to capitalize on Star Wars, perhaps?) never really caught on. I'm surprised there aren't support groups - except that would mean folks would have to admit to owning one.
4. Ford Mustang II. Gah. Whoever thought that putting the Mustang label on this rolling turdwagon should have been fired. Ideally from a cannon. Seriously underpowered and hampered by the pollution controls of the mid 1970s, the Mustang II also had a tendency to rot into the ground while leaving the showroom.
5. Hyundai XL. Hyundai's first entry into the American car market was aimed at first time car buyers and people with no concept of "Korean POS". Those foolish enough to buy Hyundai's XL quickly learned that there was a reason the Hyundai was so much cheaper than an American car - the quality was so piss-poor it made the quality of the 1980s American car look good.
6. AMC Matador. From the odd AMC door handles to the droopy body curves, the Matador was just too ugly to live... Fortunately, they were so big and heavy that they couldn't get very far with the inline six. Or the V8 for that matter...
7. Geo Metro. The Metro is the perfect comeback to the Toyota Prius crowd. The Metro got 45 MPG around town and 50+ MPG on the highway, and they couldn't give them away. Partly the small size, but also the fact that the Metro had an engine smaller than a good number of motorcycles hampered sales...
8. Subaru Justy. Subaru cut their teeth in the American car market making small cars that ran really well. With the Justy, they cut far too many corners, produced a steaming turd on wheels, and did significant damage to the brand. Everyone gets one Edsel, apparently...
9. Chevrolet Vega. I believe it was Dave Barry who opined that the Vega was actually made out of compressed rust. Personally, I think that was a feature, as it got the Vega off the road faster...
10. Ford Pinto. Yeah, yeah, it's a staple (but I didn't include the Edsel, because IMHO it's a good looking car). Explodes when hit from the rear. Caused Lee Iacocca to comment "Success [the Mustang] has many parents. Failure [the Pinto] is an orphan".
What cars would you want to see turned into a cube?
That is all.
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27 comments:
HEY! Without the K-car, what would Red Green have done with all his duct tape?
A fellow I know had a Pinto with Firestone 500 tires on it. Both had problems with blowing up as I recall.
Cadillac Cimarron.
a J-body with leather and a Caddy pricetag? NO THANK YOU SIR. smush it.
Pontiac Aztek. Made into a punch line by Seinfeld and at least 4 or 5 comic strips that I can think of.
The Chevette. Hands down. It's a crime you didn't list it.
I do have to defend the lowly Hyundai Excel if for no other reason than my mother bought one in 1986 and I drove it quite a bit when my 1973 Ford T-Bird was deader than a doornail. We never had any problems with it except when we tried to change the oil. Korean engineers think Americans have hands the size of raccoon paws and think that ease of access only applies to their mistresses. That car ran like a top until the day the redneck we sold it to got t-boned by an 18 wheeler while drunk.
Frankly, the Excel beat the Daihatsu Charade to pieces. There's a foreign PO* that needs to be crushed.
Other nominees:
1) The Pontiac Aztec. This piece of rolling performance art once crushed and cubed could be called "Revenge on Cubism". Oh, the irony.
2) The Chevy Lumina Minivan.
3) The Ford Escort ZX2.
4) The Yugo. It came pre-crushed from the factory.
5) The Dodge Caliber. See Pontiac Aztec.
6) The PT Cruiser. Vile, nasty, piece of plastic garbage made famous because Cher bought one.
7) The Prius. I hate those things. Crush a tree hugger strapped into the drivers seat of one of these while you are at it and kill two birds with one crusher.
8) The Triumph TR-7. AKA "The Rolling Door Stop".
9) The Cadillac El Dorado with the "missing" trunk.
10) The Hummer. That ought to make the tree huggers happy. Another revenge of the rolling brick piece.
Wouldn't hurt to stick a few democrats in each vehicle. Jack
My best friend in High School had a burnt orange and white Matador. It looked like a giant cockroach.
I was with until the AMC Matador.
I loved all Matadors. A cousin had one. That was bad-ace.
I"m with you on the Le Mans. I sold used cars in the early 90s. I refused to sell those. I would literally tell people, "I'm not going to sell you that car. If you want to buy it, talk to that guy. I will not be involved. I won't get any money. Don't call me next week when you have problems."
Then, next week they'd call me. I took great delight in saying, "See? Now let me transfer you to someone else. I am not involved in this deal."
Oh, and I would add any Cadillac diesel from the 80s.
How dare you destroy such a fine automobile?
Let's see: I had a Vega, I had a Pinto, I had a Reliant (K-Car), and I had a Matador. A Matador station wagon, in fact. I miss my Pinto, the rest not so much.
But my candidates for the crusher are the Plymouth Voyager, the Ford Maverick, and the Plymouth Neon. My fiancee had a Neon and told me that at one time it was Canada's most stolen vehicle model. I'm skeptical. I think it was more likely to be the most "abandoned in a quarry and reported stolen" vehicle.
The Yugo. Kill it.
Plymouth Volare - especially with the 'pewter' paint. Ewww...no amount of 'rich Corinthian leather' can make up for that Mopar bone.
Chevy Citation. Yuck.
Renault LeCar.
The post-Fairmont Ford 'LTD' sedans & wagons. Pretty ugly stuff.
Studebaker Avanti.
The Ford Granada.
The Mitsubishi/Dodge Raider SUV.
And how did you forget the AMC Pacer?
How about every american car (cars, not trucks) built between 1975 and 1987 except the corvetter, camaro, ACTUAL mustang, impala (and variants), and crown vic (and variants), or anything with a Kenne Bell turbo in it.
The world would be a far better place.
I would pay special attention to GMs a, c, g, h, j, and k body cars... in fact, extending the the time period to include all production on any of them post 1974 (again, excepting those with Kenne Bell turbos).
Some of them were kept in production as late as 2005 (for platforms that were introduced as early as 1982)... and GM wonders why their car sales dropped to almost zero in the late 90s...
Chevy Nova (circa 1980's).... See LeMans.
Oh and lest anyone think i am picking on GM, I would also in my "crush them to improve the world project" pay special attention to:
Anything made by Chrysler or any of its divisions between 1975 and 1993 that does not have a no emissions 340 or bigger, a hemi, or a cummins diesel in it (including trucks).
Yes, all of them. Even the Gran Fury and the Diplomat with the police package... though out of respect, I would crush them last.
Any "Ford" that was actually built on a Mazda platform, except the Ranger and the Probe.
Compared to the cookie cutter mid-sized sedans of today, the Matador in the liked pic looks pretty stylish.
I feel a perverse need to defend the K Car, seeing as how a 1988 one once did me the nicest favor an old car can ever do for its owner...die very conclusively, all at once, without first consuming a large multiple of its blue book value in end-of-life care. Just try getting 25,000 more miles, a year of hassle-free driving, and a quick inexpensive death out of any car you can buy today for the modern equivalent of $800 (in 1995 dollars). I know I spent the remaining 4 years of that decade trying very, very hard to do so, and failed utterly.
The thing _was_ ugly as sin, though.
Having just attended the Cleveland Car Show, "In the end, there can be only One. May it be...the Chevy Volt".
I'd rather preserve a Prius over this Putrid, Over Priced, Fugly Malibu made to Tree Hugger Specs for the Sole purpose of Preserving the Votes and Donations of Union Thugs and the EcoFreaks. Elections have Consequences, and the Volt is one of them.
"Studebaker Avanti"
May Cthulhu digest your soul for 100,000 years for that.
Anyway, I'd have to add the Ford Tempo to the list, around my house it was known as "the VD car" with good reason.
Chevy Volt!!!!
May need hazmat for the battery
Dude...you hit on at least 4 cars in this list that I owned, and would own again in a heartbeat...
Matador: I had a 1974 Matador. Spent the winter (in CHarleston SC) of 1980 swapping out the engine / tranny (yanked the 304 and shoved in the 390 Interceptor from a wrecked AMX that was still attached to the Borg_Warner T-10 4 speed) modified the rear to get a Dana up under it, and re-worked the trunk wheel wells to accept 50's. The car turned a respectable low 13's in the 1/4 mile, while having enough room in the back seat for unbridled adult recreation.
Damn, I miss that car....
Mustang II: Had one of those with the Mercury Capri 45 degree V-6. Great little motor that one was...
Metro: This one was actually my wife's car when we got maried. I LOVED that thing, especially since we moved up into the NY Hinterlands and I worked not far from Giants Stadium. 80 miles each way on just under 2 1/2 gallons was a Godsend. It finally died with 235,000 +/- on the clock.
Vega: I had a Cosworth Vega for about a year after getting out of the service. Fast little car, but only good in a straight line.
Now...as for cars to toss into the crusher...
Peugeot: Doesn't matter what model, they all sucked eggs. Fantastic suspension system (No, really...the only thing good about the cars was a world-rally-racing class suspension. Bullet-proof.) but the rest of the car wasn't worth a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.
SmartCar, although you wouldn't need a car crusher. Just a big guy with strong arms would do the job.
I mean, come on, I look at it and I want to put a penny on the back to make it do wheelies.
The LeCar, for being an all-around POS.
The original Ford Fiesta, same.
Hummer H3, for being ugly, expensive and underpowered while getting shit MPG.
AND, my least favorite, the Smartcar. Price tag of a Corolla, tiny, and yet the MPG isn't that low- the Neon and the Chevette both beat it out for comfort AND mileage.
You could have put the Mustang II and the Pinto in the same category, since the only difference was body style.
My first car was a 1977 Ford Mustang II, with a stock 302 Windsor V8, and the previous owner had done a surprisingly good job of chopping the top off, ala the Mercedes 450 SL.
The top could be latched back on and was fairly weather proof, but the previous owner never got around to adding a convertible top. I did, however, accessorize it with everything I could find in the J.C. Whitney catalog.
Sadly, it did get turned into a cube, by me. Luckily I was unhurt, but the car was totaled.
I loved that little car...
Of more modern stuff I would list the aztek the pt cruiser and also the Chevy sat sport pickup all ugly plastic crap
Ford festiva is a car I can do without
"...You did NOT just take the marque from the entry level 1960s/70s muscle car and slap it on some Korean POS. WHY GM WHY!...."
Pontiac Lemans based on european Opel Kadett/Vauxhall Astra.
http://static.cargurus.com/images/site/2009/06/26/11/57/1992-opel-kadett-pic-30224.jpeg
Koreans had nothing to do with it.
Get your facts straight...
It was *based* on the Kadett, but it was made by Daewoo in Korea.
http://www.thetruthaboutcars.com/2010/11/curbside-classic-1990-pontiac-lemans-the-lows-and-rocky-mt-highs-of-gms-deadly-sin-12/
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