How about the top-ten worst cars that Baby G's first boyfriend might drive? Might be a cross between muscle cars and liberal pansymobiles :)
Oh yeah. Here's a list I can really get into... Here's the list of cars that, were they to pull up in front of my house in anticipation of a night out with my daughter, will result in this getting posted on the door:
1. Conversion van. Doesn't matter if it's a Ford, Chevy, or Dodge. If her beau pulls up in a conversion van, he's leaving without BabyGirl G.
2. Trans Am/Camaro. No. No way in hell. My little princess is not getting into a mulletmobile. Not while there's still breath drawing across my ribcage...
3. Mitsubishi Eclipse/anything of the "Fast 'n' Furious" ilk. If her prospective boyfriend thinks wild fender flares, tall spoilers, ground effects, and a coffee can muffler will improve his car, he's not boyfriend material.
4. Toyota Prius. Oh hell no. No tofuista, Save-Mother-Gaia patchouli-smelling hippie is taking my little girl out. Especially if he starts off by lecturing me about my carbon footprint...
5. Ford Crown Victoria. While at first blush this might appear to be a good choice - as it's both safe and may indicate at least a passing appreciation for safety - a closer inspection reveals a back seat that could easily result in early grandparenthood. No.
6. BMW 5-series. Either he's a spoiled rich kid or he's got majorly whacked priorities if he's dropping more money on his car that I drop on mine. Ain't gonna fly.
7. Chevy pickup with lift kit. Err, no. She's not going to spend her evening shooting rats at the dump. Well, not with anyone that's not her daddy...
8. VW Microbus. Same objection as the Prius - no hippies - but with the added negative of being a van. All the downsides of the smugmobile, the hippie hauler, *and* the love machine van. No. No. No.
9. Subaru Outback. Especially if it has a ratio of 0bama bumper stickers:rust spots greater than 1. Subaru either appeals to hippies who want something they can haul their pets in or guys going through a midlife crisis who still need four doors for the kids. Neither is date-worthy.
10. Limosine. If he's that desperate that he has to rent a freakin' limo, he's too desperate to be around my little princess. He gets bodily ejected from the house if it's a stretched Hummer or Expedition limo...
Okay, so there's my list of cars NOT to be driving if you come to my house with the intention of taking out my daughter. All will get you turned away at the door; some will get you stern, disapproving looks; and others might just tempt me to take a shot atcha...
What other cars can y'all think of for this list?
That is all.
26 comments:
I beg to differ on the Outback. Sure, a lot of liberal yuppyscum drive 'em, but so do a lot of decent folks. :-) It's a good choice for "one vehicle that can go anydamnwhere, anydamntime, carrying almost anydamnthing." Plenty of room in that cargo deck for fishing gear, shooting gear, hiking gear, photography stuff ...
OTOH, if you fold the back seats, that's a BIIIG flat space back there. Might be a bit of a drawback from your POV...
Anything with four wheels.
At least, until my daughters turn 25, at which time they will be free to date whomever they choose.
I think the F-body list is too broad.
A carefully restored '69 RS/SS? Sure.
A brand new SS? Maybe.
An '83 RS with mismatched wheels and a primered fender? You shouldn't let your daughter spend her evenings as a getaway driver for 7/11 stickups.
BEST. CAR. POST. EVER.
I'm with Tam on the F bodies. A nice 68 Firebird OHC or RA III would be something I wouldn't mind seeing in my driveway to pick up my daughter, providing the kid did the work himself, knew one end of a wrench from another, and let me take it for a spin. :-)
What about showing up with a motorcycle, specifically a Harley?? I actually did pick up my gf (now my wife) with my Kawasaki 750. My soon to be father-in-law was none to pleased. As a father of a beautiful little girl I think this would be the worst....
Let's see... my mom's old dodge caravan. my old toyota corolla station wagon. I know from experience that people driving these vehicles are not to be trusted with beloved daughters.
Heh.
Err... how about motorcycles? Do you draw the line at all bikes (ya know, bikers are all troublemakers....) or just at those annoying crotch-rockets?
Motorcyclists will be shot on sight. Everyone knows bikers are just no good and only after one thing...
AWESOME, Jay. It was everything I hoped and dreamed it would be. :)
And while you might respect a guy who pulled up on a Harley -- what about a dude with a crotch-rocket? I think I'd pay to see that!
A Volvo? :D
PA State Cop beat me to it, but a Volvo was the first one that popped into my mind.
After that, a Geo anything, as they were all underpowered to the point of being a traffic hazard, plus had miserable crash ratings to boot.
Jeeps. Because there's only one reason to own a vehicle capable of going pretty much anywhere, and that's to find some, ahem, "privacy." 'Nuff said.
Another point is any vehicle with a gun-control bumper-sticker. Not that I'd ever expect your offspring to bring one of those home...
What would it tell you if he drove up in a new VW bug? What would your reaction be? Would you let Babygirl B. leave the house with the driver of said vehicle?
Inquiring minds want to know...
This post made me lol and lol, btw.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
I take it you have no interest in EVER becoming a grandparent?
I bet you could have a very interesting conversation with your father-in-law.
ASM826 - That was very funny.
How about any fake-convertible -- ie, an ordinary car with a two-tone roof painted to look like a ragtop roof?
Or anything with a high-toned name, like the Volkswagen Cabriolet.
As for your demotivator poster: regarding Rule 2, have you considered what hippie liberal parents might have taught their kid was "acceptable behavior?"
I gotta say Jay, I knew a few guys with old 5-Series that they restored and did the work on themselves. They weren't spoiled OR of bad priorites (actually one is now a BMW mechanic and I'm sure makes more than me) They just liked nice RWD euro-cars. Also they happened to be very polite around the ladies.
On the other hand, make sure to check the bed of ANY pickup truck. Blankets and/or Airmattresses should be grounds for early forfeture of birth certificate. A cap on the back goes double.
I won't tell you how I know this.
Oh and don't forget Saabs with liberal bumper stickers on them. Worse than Hippies, Uppity Liberals. They're likely to be white guys talking about how racist whites are, or drving their car sipping bottled watter (that needed to be shipped in a tanker from Europe) and babbling about carbon footprints.
NO NO NO!
You realize you'll need a follow-up thread: Good News Boyfriend Cars, i.e., cars whose drivers might, MIGHT be allowed to escort the precious BabyGirl G in fifteen years.
For that, I submit my friend Eric's old BMW that he had in college. It actually ran off diesel.
You write as if you'll have the least bit of control over any of this. From the time she's about 12, she'll be deciding who she does and doesn't date. If you think otherwise, you're deluding yourself.
Having grown up Mormon, I will leave you with comments of the late President Kimball regarding the evils of the car/brothel.
"The car was too often the confessed seat of the difficulty. It became their brothel. DO NOT PARK. After a date, GO HOME! Once you get there, go into the house, ALONE! NO car is safe."
According to the Mormons' dating rules, Baby girlG should not be alone with a member of the opposite sex until well after the age of 18, and only with a morally upstanding young man doing wholesome activities in modest dress.
Hmmm... no bikers, huh? Gonna LMAO if she brings home a BACA member... :P
As for the Eclipse: is that only one that's been modded, or do stock count too?
Mrs. Borepatch,
18? Try 38. That's when she will be allowed to leave the convent...
Strings,
Err, *obviously* I was tongue-in-cheek with the biker bit...
I'm of two minds IRL, though. On the one hand, bikes don't have a back seat. On the other hand, there's a lot of squids out there...
And I hope you know that a BACA member would be welcome. Right up until the time he casts an eye towards my little princess...
And as for the Eclipse, well, pretty much *any* sports or sporty car will be eyed suspiciously.
But then again, so would a Model A...
Maybe next week you can do "Guns to scare the prospective boyfriend with"
wolfwalker: I'm going to agree with you here. I drove through Montana several years back and it seemed that most of the cars there were Outbacks.
The reasoning? They're AWD, which is good from a safety standpoint. For a car, they've got good clearance, also good from a safety and practicality standpoint - an Outback would indicate to me a sensible utility vehicle choice.
PA State Cop and Rick in NY: what's the beef with a Volvo? I own and drive one. I'm am by no means a hippie or an elitist. My Volvo of choice is a 1987 240 DL. It is solidly built, highly rated for safety, and gets good mileage. You're not going to be hot-dogging it in a Volvo, it just simply doesn't have the power. They also have safety redundancies that most cars don't - including redundant braking systems: Each of the front wheels have 4 separate brake cylinders on 2 redundant and independent hydraulic circuits, and the e-brake is tied to separate axle rotors as to be completely independent of the primary brakes. They also last forever and a day, mechanically speaking. It's a completely practical and sensible choice for a car, in my opinion.
Outbacks are driven by Lesbians - what would dad think of that?
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