Congratulations!

Justin's going to be a daddy!

Hang on, buddy, because you're in for the ride of your life...

No other job will introduce you to the wonders of the human body quite like fatherhood... Wonders like "how can an infant that small produce poop that smells that vile?" or "he only ate half a jar of mashed carrots; why is his poop orange for three days after?" or "he had 4 ounces of formula, how can he possibly throw up 75 gallons?". And no, it's not just about poop, pee, spit-up, throw-up or other bodily excretions...

It's about honestly and truly putting someone else's needs above your own. It's about putting your ego on a shelf and subjugating yourself, quite cheerfully, to the mercurial little tyrant who will rule your universe for years to come. It's about making preparations for events that have a one-in-a-million chance of happening just in case. It's about knowing the number of your pediatrician not by heart but by touch - as in your fingers know it seemingly of their own volition on the phone keypad.

It's about watching news reports of abused children and feeling a rage inside you like you've never felt before. It's about experiencing, for the first time ever, that protective instinct towards your offspring akin to a mother bear; how you turn from the goo-gooing silly daddy to the Incredible Hulk in seconds flat when you perceive a threat to your child.

And it's also about letting them bump their heads, pinch their fingers, and land on their butts, too. It's just as dangerous to shelter your children from every danger as it is to expose them to those dangers. The hardest part of being a parent is not watching your child experiencing pain or disapointment; it's watching them experiencing pain or disapointment when you could have prevented it.

They learn to walk better by falling than by being held constantly...

Congratulations Justin. Your life, as you have known it, is over. A new, more glorious life awaits you. Just don't be put off by the cost of diapers, braces, or college...

That is all.