Top Ten types of Drivers you see on the road.
From the Q-Tips to Sammy Slowpoke, etc
Well, I'm wagering that I've seen all of these drivers and more, so I'll go with my Top Ten most encountered idiot motorists...
1. Charlie Cell Phone. Charlie thinks he's a lot more important than he really is. He thinks that unless he stays in constant contact with the office at all times that everything will implode around him. He really ought to be watching where he's going, as his 3-series Beamer nearly mated with a dumptruck.
2. Suzie Soccer Mom. 2.5 kids. Dog. SUV the size of Rhode Island that she needs a step ladder to get into. No clue how to park the land behemoth. Tires are usually scuffed to hell (if they're whitewalls, the white paint is mostly chipped off from hitting curbs); rims are dinged and bent; hubcaps are broken or missing.
3. Billy Brakerider. Billy's one of the more infuriating characters on the road. He hasn't taken his foot off the brake since Bill Clinton last shamed the Oval office, and he's not about to start now. Billy has put his mechanic's kid through college with brake jobs every six months.
4. Tina Tailgater. 3 second distance between cars? Only if you're at a red light, otherwise Tina is pretty much glued to your rear bumper like a kid sledding down the road in a Frank Capra film. She has no idea of the concept of "personal space", but she's on a first name basis with three trial lawyers.
5. Sammy Stopsign. Sammy thinks that stop signs are for other people - they obviously don't apply to him. He'll sail through a stop without even slowing down, regardless of whether or not he has the right of way or even if there's other cars in the intersection already. Sammy doesn't care because 180 years ago when he first got his license there were only three cars in the entire state, myeah.
6. Larry Leftlane. Ah, Larry. The self-proclaimed arbiter of the speed limit. Larry will wait for someone to come zooming up in the passing lane and then meander over, forcing the other driver to slam on his brakes lest he become a piece of postmodern art with Larry's bumper. Larry thinks he's doing a good deed, keeping people from speeding and all that; problem is, they're so busy roaring around him in the right lane - or the median strip - that his smugness is short-lived.
7. Betty Blinker. You know Betty. We all know Betty. She's had her blinker on since the Carter administration. Every time she buys a new car, she puts the right blinker on as she leaves the dealership parking lot and then never turns it off again. If she had the option, there wouldn't even be a stalk for the blinker, it would come from the factory in the "on" position...
8. Steve Slowsky. Steve's the guy going 25 in a 40 MPH zone, or 50 on the highway. He's easy to spot from the parade of cars snaking well behind him, each one with an irate driver busily contemplating the many ways they would like to cause Steve bodily injury. Steve likes to point out that he's never had an accident - of course, he's too dense to realize he's caused a lot of 'em...
9. Roger Roadrage. Roger is easily spotted by his car's erratic movements on the highway as he races to get in front of the car he feels cut him off three states ago. Everything is an affront to Roger - driving too fast, driving too slow, driving in the right lane, driving in the left lane... Roger confuses the impotent rage caused by living in a shallow impersonation of a life with actual affronts to his person - and it shows.
10. Helpful Harry. Trying to get out into traffic? Harry will let you in. Thinking about walking in the crosswalk? Harry will wait for you to make up your mind. Jockeying to see who goes first in the four-way stop? Harry will let you go - and the three guys behind you. Harry has never actually arrived at a destination - he's been driving there since 1964.
So there's ten types of people you're likely to encounter on the road on any given day. If it seems like they are only on the road to piss you off, that's probably because they are. Take a deep breath, exhale slowly, and be sure to keep a clear sight picture as you squeeze the trig- ooh, was that out loud?
What other types of drivers can you think of?
That is all.
18 comments:
Harry Helpful's cousin: He will gradually slow down for pedestrians waiting for traffic to clear, and if you look very closely through the glare on his windshield, you'll see he is vaguely waving you across. By the time you figure out that he is stopping, he would have been passed and both of you would have got where you are going faster.
Tina Tailgater's ex boyfriend, wants everyone to be like Tina. He passes on a 4 lane road, then when there is 6 inches to spare he whips in front of you, even though the road ahead is completely clear.
Paul Pullout: In such a hurry that he pulls out in front of you from a side street, but apparently only two of his spark plugs are working so he makes a moped seem fast.
Actually, 2 through 8 are usually subsets of #1, in my experience. Many is the time I've thought someone was drunk, and upon passing the person I saw it was just a celltard mucking up the traffic.
Tina Tailgater's BFF Tammy Tightsqueeze. She thinks of your safe following distance as an invitation to pull in between you and the car in front of you, as long as there's room to physically fit her vehicle there.
As an "ambulance driver" I have one:
Ivan the Inconsiderate: For one reason or another, Ivan feels that his current situation is FAR more important than the one of the ambulance, whose lights, siren, and traffic pre-emption system* are ALL RUNNING HOT. The ambulance barely misses him as he swings into the intersection, completely ignoring his red light.
Thank God the driver is cautious enough to anticipate arses like him, otherwise he would become one with the driver-side oxygen tank.
*(Some communties have a system that allows the ambulance to override specfic traffic light intersections in favor of the ambulance. With ours, we must justify using it, as the dispatch gods WILL KNOW the moment we hit the "on" switch for it.)
@BobG - Celltard? I'm so using that now! (I shall credit you, of course.)
Tim and Tonya Tour de France --- Not exactly driver’s but I certainly encounter them on a regular basis. Easily distinguished by their colorful Spandex outfits, they travel in flocks on the streets of high end suburban towns almost any day of the week, but particularly weekends. These large moving road blocks are convinced that the roadways are for their own personal use and training needs. Stop signs and traffic lights are meaningless ( since they are enviro-weiny bicyclists and therefore better than all those other SUV driving suburbanites.) They are also apparently entitled to use the whole width of the road to execute turns from one street to another. The early warning signs of their presence in your neighborhood are parking lots full of Cross-over size cars with roof racks and Cambridge and Brighton Parking stickers.
Yo-Yo Yolanda, cannot maintain a steady speed. One minute she's zipping away at 10+ the speed limit, the next she's clogging up the road at 10- the limit.
Lester the Lost, slows down for every sign, misses his exit and backs up in the breakdown lane, swerves left (or right) across 3 lanes of traffic 'cause this might be his turn coming up.
Beauty Parlor Betty, lipstick + makeup + rear-view mirror = accident waiting to happen.
notDilbert, got my hatred for cyclists and their pick-and-choose of what laws apply to them.
This is a REALLY good one, Jay!
How about Left-Turn Larry and Lucy. Known master of the "Boston Left", he wants to turn left onto the busy through street from his driveway, parking lot, or side street. He COULD wait for the traffic patterns to give him a window, but thinks it better to pull into the oncoming lane and block traffic until the next left-bound lane has a vacancy.
Larry will give you a snide glance, seeming to convey "Ha-ha Sucker!", meanwhile his sister Lucy will instead give you a cheerful waive, like you stopped out of charity, rather than a desire not to pin her between the driver's and passenger door.
Lucy pisses me off more, because at least Larry is honest about being an asshole!
Mary Mapreader - she's the one going 5 miles an hour down the street looking for the address off Billy Brat's Birthday party.
Never mind the address is in the 4000 block of West Maple and you both are on the 300 block, she won't accelerate lest she miss it.
Betty Blinker is contributing to shortage of blinker fluid we are currently experiencing. If the Chinese were not importing the new synthetic blinker fluid, there would wouldn't be enough for regular drivers to signal their turns.
"Roger Roadrage"
That would probably be me. At least the "rage" part.
But in my defense, please see the mile long procession of Tina Tailgaters on my $@#%@$#^%@$ bumper as I only drive 10mph over the limit.
Ever single day this week I've wished for a minigun bolted to my rear bumper, but instead I just crank the wheel, hit the shoulder, spray them with gravel and let them pass.
You know because the mile-long, dead flat passing zone with ZERO oncoming traffic was not quite enough to allow them to go around me otherwise.
While my Calmer Half is generally an incarnation of that title, put behind the wheel, he start to fume and snarl, while I approach zen.
After a while, I came to realize it's because I have schadenfreude down pat: Alaskan winters with driving on ice, slush, running water on ice, deep snow, powder snow on ice, and deceptively bare patches of road encourage good habits and patience, and lifting three fingers from the steering wheel to wave at the headlights in the ditch of the impatient and inattentive.
It also encourages not jack-rabbiting when the signal changes, but calmly looking left and right, letting the last panicked motorist slide sideways through the intersection with his mouth open in a silent scream, and then gently pulling out while calling "Four wheel drive doesn't mean four wheel stop, silly!"
...the lack of winter may explain a thing or two about southern drivers, come to think of it...
How about
Me, and probably anyone else on this blog:
Perfect driver, never causes anyone else to be angry or late, follows traffic laws, but is willing to go with the flow to keep things flowing. Never gets angry at other drivers.
Yep, like everyone else, I think I am a pretty good driver.
Eric Earache: Eric is unsure of whether or not you're paying attention to him from his 1.21 gigawatt sub-subwoofers that make the change in your ashtray vibrate, so to be doubly sure that you're looking at him and thinking he's wicked pissa, he's also outfitted his 1995 mazda sedan with a wide-bore muffler that makes his 65-hp engine sound like a 95-hp lawnmower, 'cus, God forbid you're not thinking about how he's got it all together.
I know it is for automobiles.
But there is also Bonehead Bicyclist whom rides in the center of your lane and is to stupid to realize he can be taken out by a Smartcar and that would be embarrASSing.
Now I bicycle myself so I am not prejudice. Just keep your fracking bicycle out of the middle of the damn road!!
Norman Nascar - Has almost as many bumper stickers on his car as a liberal with OCD. Believes that if his daddy had just let him borrow the Thunderbird more often, he'd have won Talladega at least once. Takes out his frustration by driving at an easily calculated fraction of the speed of sound in any straight patch of highway. Not above using the shoulder to get around anyone going slower than an F-16 on takeoff roll. Prone to using the threat of a crash to "Intimidate" his way into a line of traffic.
The greater DC area has Captain Narcissus.
The good captain stops in the middle of the road when confused and will cut in front of anybody rather than miss a turn.
I see it all the time. Backing up on the beltway.
Yesterday on a busy road in rush hour I saw the left lane stopped for no reason I could see, I was walking, then the guy in the front of the line suddently cut off the right two lanes to make a right turn.
I've seen them get out of the car on a side street and stand there with the door open, blocking 3/4 of the street, making people squeeze by.
Earlier today I saw one make a 5 point turn very slowly, in front of oncoming traffic and then flip them off when they beeped as she took her time.
Their time is far more important than any or even all of you.
Goota agree withe V :-) DC drivers SUCK!!! Especially when they're driving their Bimmers and Mercedes....
And a few more inclusions...
Steve Slowsky's two cousins Same Speed Simon who always drives 35 no matter what the speed limit is and Backwards Brad who does 45 in a 25 and 30 in a 45.
Volvo Vanna - Betty Blinker's and Tina Tailgaiter's cousin - she can't be bothered by any rules or laws of motoring whether its keeping her car in her lane, going a speed relevant to the posted limit or just paying attention to what is going on around her. She just needs to get from point A to point B and really can't be bothered with this whole driving thing.
Accordion Cord - can fit his car in a space half his car length. His motto is just cut in and they will have no choice but to let you.
A.D.D. Andy - will slow down to 25 on the highway to check out anything that catches his eye.
Post a Comment