As the title states, we've had our first snowfall of the new winter season. Coming on the heels of last week's Ice Storm of Doom!™, it wasn't exactly welcome - adding snow to already damaged trees and still-downed power lines is a bad mix, especially with well over 100,000 people in MA and NH still without power.
And, of course, it makes drivers completely and utterly lose their fucking minds.
Look. It's really simple. I'll post some handy tips for winter driving in New England. See if you can spot a theme:
- If you doubt your foul weather driving ability, stay the fuck home.
- If you don't want to get your $75K BMW dirty, stay the fuck home.
- If you're going to pull stupid-assed shit like come to a complete fucking stop at the BOTTOM of a steep, icy hill, stay the fuck home.
- If you're one of those morons who thinks going 20 MPH below the speed limit is a good idea, even though the 20+ cars in your wake don't, stay the fuck home.
- If you think it's a good idea to blow through a stop sign right in front of me, even though the weather is bad and stopping distances need to be increased, stay the fuck home.
- People, I'm driving a 6,000 pound, 345 horsepower rear-wheel drive pickup truck with no weight over the rear wheels. In 2WD. If I'm not having any trouble, your FWD Matrix is just ducky.
- And lastly, if you have made the correct decision to stay home, and you decide to clear the 1.5" of snow with your 25 HP snowthrower? Don't blow it right into the street. It's fucking rude, it's a danger to traffic, and it makes us want to stop our cars, get out, and strangle you to death with the rip cord of your Craftsman...
Ahhhh. That feels better. Thanks for listening. I'm certain that no one out here who reads MArooned needs these tips, but perhaps you could print them out and leave them for the induhviduals in your lives who may look like they need them. They're pretty easy to spot - they'll be the ones with their mouths open and drool puddling on the floor under them...
That is all.
10 comments:
I think about you everytime I see those shitty weather reports from up your way.
Down here the standard response among friends and family when New England weather comes up is
"ain't ye glad ye ain't got that shit to worry about!"
Mid 60's today with a light rain down here.
I had an entire post dedicated to this same subject last night and just hadn't put it all together.
You did it perfectly. Thank you. Do you think you could email it to the editors of the local paper here?
Because the folks in my fair hometown have lost their damn minds. We live in OHIO for crying out loud. Snow is not new to us. Why are they all out their driving like they've never seen the white stuff????
Jay - Try driving with dedicated max performance summer tires in the snow. That is NOT fun, no matter what the car is.
I only made that mistake once.
Jay,
You forgot one . . . to the techno-yuppie-asswipe who insists on operating a motor-vehicle while tapping out messages on his "crack-berry", STAY THE FUCK HOME !!
- Brad
Buck,
Now now... It's been a while since I put up a road rage rant... :)
Epi,
Thanks! I just call 'em as I see 'em!
Mike W.,
I'll go you one better: How about a VW GTI with four completely different tires on it - one high performance, one "economy" no-name, one crappy Goodyear Invicta, and one SCCA-type "sticky" tire.
That GTI would turn itself around for no reason whatsoever if there was anything on the ground at all. Including leaves...
Brad,
That's a good one, but I didn't see any Crackberryius Assholius on my ride in this morning...
I would only add ...
"If you believe 'cleaning the snow off of your car' entails nothing more than creating a 5-inch circular snow hole on the driver's side of the windshield AND feel that allows you to double the speed limit on any residential street ..."
It always seems like the bulk of the drivers up here in New England need to relearn how to drive in snow and ice EVERY SINGLE FREAKING YEAR and it usually takes 2-3 storms before they figure it out.
As for the SUV driving half-wits who think 4wd or AWD means you can drive fast in snow and ice, enjoy the ditch, becuase you'll be there soon enough.
During the week before deer season it was unseasonably warm, so I expected the rut to start earlier. Part of my drive is a rural highway through a VERY large corn field, probably 1000 acres. Deer heaven. As I approach the turn to it, I see 2 sets of police lights. Two separate motorists have hit deer. You could see the dead deer in the road. I slow to about 25 in the 50 as I pass the people standing around and watch for more. Some guy in a BMW comes RACING around the wrecked cars and starts to ride my bumper. I speed up a little, then up ahead, see about 4 deer in the road, so I gently get on the brakes. He BARRELS around me, honks and flips me off, sees the deer and off he goes into the gigglebushes.
The deer were unharmed.
CAR-MA.
Gods. I live in fear of any actual snowfall in my area... just last week, the entire east side of the state shut down (schools and all) with just the threat of snow - and, predictably enough, none of that dastardly white stuff actually fell from the sky. I am sure the kids did not mind, but if this is any indication of how people are going to behave in the future... bleh.
As I have been back in New England for a few weeks, I have to say that my least favorite Stoopit Snow Thing is the folks that don't clean the snow off their roofs and then get on the highway. This morning, it wasn't the rooster-tail plume of snow, but sheets of ice-snow that were peeling off this one car, flying high into the sky, and the crashing down on an unsuspecting car.
As I passed the car, I noticed that the driver was a young woman. On the phone. Natch.
Post a Comment