The scientific name for schmucks who roll up in public wearing wife-beaters or oversized jeans. Can also be found wearing sunglasses in nightclubs and/or sun-visors on backwards and upside down. These people should be drug outside and shot in the stomach, then used as speed bumps to prevent any neon-toting lowrider crap-mobiles from infesting the neighborhood and lowering property values.
Heh. So, here's what they drive:
- Honda Civic SI. Hands down, the SI is the douchebag-mobile di tutti douchebag-mobiles. With an extra $10K worth of mods you have a car that still can't outrun a Hemi Magnum... Welcome to loser-ville. Population: You.
- Scion xB. About the only possible explanation for this mess is that it was an appeal to the Sino-philes who worshipped ever-so-briefly at the altar of everything Japanese after "Tokyo Drift". The xB was neither fish nor fowl; it was an attempt to blend an SUV, a wagon, and a hipster people mover. It failed at all three.
- Mitsubushi Lancer EVO. Oh, if I had a dollar for every one of these I saw racing around the Loop like they were auditioning for "Fast & Furious 5: Rejects Need Love Too"... The EVO has it all: outrageous spoiler; hood scoop; cow-catcher ground effects; whiny coffee can exhaust straight from the factory... It's a ready-made D-bag mobile right off the showroom floor!
- Ford Mustang GT. For the Douchebag who insists on buying American, the Mustang GT is about the only car left. Used to be they'd have their choice between the 'Stang, the Camaro IROC, and the Pontiac Trans Am... But as the "Last Muscle Car Standing", the GT gets the nod for the high-output car to bling...
- Nissan Altima. Personally, I blame the 3.5L V6 for this otherwise excellent car falling into douchebag hands. The 270 horsepower put out by that engine unfortunately fulfills the aforementioned F&F dreams of the douchebag at a price tag under $30K - well below that of even the most stripped BMW.
- Volkswagen GTI (Robb Allen being the shining exception). Ah, the GTI. It's hard to say exactly when the GTI went from the original "pocket rocket" to a D-bag mobile; I'd put the actually turning moment when VW stuffed a six cylinder engine into it - that only got 172HP!!! That's when it became apparent that form was winning the war against function. The last salvo, natch, was allowing the GTI badge to appear on the four-door Golf. OH JOHN RINGO NO
- Dodge Neon SRT4. Yeah. Chrysler's last attempt at a "sporty" car was less-than-inspiring, but at least it was cheap. Since it took nearly a decade for Chrysler to realize that they were seriously missing out on the pocket rocket craze, the demand had pretty much dried up by the time the SRT4 came out, and by then, the Neon was on its way out anyways...
- Ford Focus RS. The Focus appears to be trying to wrestle the title of King Douchebag Mobile away from the Civic these days, with ridiculous spoilers, silly graphics packages, and weed-whacker-esque exhaust sounds. There's just some sort of supernatural pull for car makers to take their entry-level cars, slap some plastic cladding on them, and sell them for a 50% mark-up...
- Subaru STi. Basically, see Lancer EVO. The ginormous spoiler of the STi is the first clue that this car is meant to be seen, first and foremost, rather than driven - much like the outrageous spoiler of the Super Bee. At least the STi has > 300 HP backing up that spoiler, hood scoop, and ground effects package. A pity that 99% of them will never be used to 1/10th of their potential.
- Hummer H2. Ah, the
Chevy TahoeHummer H2. Proving, for the nth time, that the American public will, indeed, buy a polished turd. And then take said turd, add insane amounts of "bling" to it, and show it off as though it were something to be proud of, rather than hidden away to die a righteous death...
Well, there was most likely something to piss everyone off in that list. No one wants to admit when their particular favored make and/or model becomes the posterchild for douchebags, but sometimes it happens...
What cars should or shouldn't have made the list in your opinion?
That is all.
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19 comments:
Bwahahaha!
I love my GTI but I have to admit. I try to sit up a bit straighter and not look like a douchebag when I drive.
The other problem is that my music of choice is electronic / trance, so I have even more of a chance of d-bag appearance if I play it too loud.
No Escalade? Too costly, I suppose, but I've never seen one that didn't have spinning rims and a dorky thug-wannabe sitting in the driver seat. That is, until they couldn't afford the $900/mo financing any longer.
I make sure drivers of Scions see me point and laugh when they scoot by. Excellent list!
I *did* want to be sure you knew you were exempt from this grossly unfair blanket statement.
Plus you don't wear pants, so you can't possibly have the "saggy drawers" common to d-bags...
If 90% of specimens in the wild are seen with 22" bright chrome rims, it's automatically a douchemobile. So, yeah, Escalade. And Chrysler 300.
Scion's entire lineup is a train wreck. When there's more ink spilled about 'culture' and 'limited release colors' than performance, we have a problem.
As for the Lancer EVO and STi, them's fightin' words...
Toyota Supra, and any other car featured in thf F&F movie travesties.
And I'll second the vote that anything with 22 inch chrome wheels as the #1 accessory is DB material.
Chrysler 300, aka the ghetto Bentley.
And car with an Formula-One style wing on the trunk lid.
Doubly so if said car has four doors.
The Scion xB is the douchiest in my book. Someone at work had one that was bright yellow with tinted windows. It looked like a box of Preparation H on roller skates.
I love the way those noisy little FRONT wheel drive cars think they need ridiculous amounts of REAR downforce.... Gianormous spoilers... bleh.
Jay, This is why you need a big, smoke belching diesel. It will smoke most things of the line, figuratively and literally...
And it's great fun to watch to horror on a prius owners face when you dump a cloud of carcinogenic fun at a light...
Speaking of which, where is the holier-than-though eco asshole mobile?
The Hummer was nothing more than a Chevy Subdivision with more chrome.
Bunnyman,
I thought about the Escalade, actually. Seems to me that's more of a gangsta wanna-be than a doucebag, but it's all open to interpretation, of course...
Rick,
I excluded the Supra simply because you just don't see too many of them on the road these days (at least not here in the Northeast, where road salt has claimed many a 1980s or 1990s Japanese car or truck...)
Exurbankevin,
The 300 is a definite contenda for a slot, much like the Escalade. It came down to the 300 vs. the H2 for the last slot, with the H2 getting the nod for being a pretentious rebadge as well...
Kevin,
I don't care who you are, that's funny right there...
Heath,
Excellent point on the spoiler... Yes, it is rather amusing to see something like the xB - which has the aerodynamic footprint of a gas station - with a wing on the back...
Of course, you can thank the Dodge Caravan "Sport" for that particular trend...
The Prius is in the category of "Smug asshole environmentalists who are bad at basic math". It doesn't really fall into the "douchebag" category, as Prius drivers are far too busy driving 50 MPH in the fast lane ("I get 60 MPG this way!") to wear baggie pants or a visor on backwards...
Brigid,
The H2 and H3, absolutely. The H1, no.
Which, naturally, is why it was the first Hummer to get the ax.
Great fucking "leadership", GM...
Ok, with a name like Mopar I would be remiss if I didn't point out 2 things. The Super Bee didn't have the outrageous spoiler, it was the '70 SuperBIRD (and the '69 Daytona). The outrageous spoiler on the Daytona/Superbird was indeed functional. Considering the car was capable of breaking 200MPH in a factory stock configuration, it wasn't just bling.
That is all. :P
I'd like to nominate the F-350 with the dual rear wheels for the "Texas King of the Road" sub-category. Anyone who owns one of those and doesn't have 1000 acres is a Douchebag.
I know, because I want one. ;-)
I don't know what this means, but I could only point out two of the cars on sight.
What the hell is a wife-beater?
I nominate any of the little Japanese cars the owners have lowered, exhausted and winged.
Ah, the GTI ... there's a love-hate machine.
I sold them for about a year and a half. The price-performance was phenomenal. The VR6 was only 174bhp, but it also had about 180ft-lb of torque - at just-off-idle throttle. It pulls like a bastard and will spin the tires into second and chirp them into third.
Sadly, the VR6 also put about 150lb of extra weight directly over the front wheels, which meant the dive and lean into hard corners and hard braking tended to be pretty exaggerated.
Now ... in the 2001 model year, VW plunked the 1.8L turbo that had been in the Passat and Audi A4 into the GTI and Jetta... and that was a screamer. Again, low on the hp number (150bhp) but screaming torque (180ft-lb IIRC) with the widest torque curve I've ever seen - peak torque from 1800rpm all the way through 4200rpm or something insane like that.
And let's remember ... horsepower only means top speed - torque is what gets you there.
Jay said: "Prius drivers are far too busy driving 50 MPH in the fast lane"
All the Priuses (Priusi?) I see here are doing 70 in a 60, and getting about the same gas mileage as a diesel pickup.
There is no D-Bag vehicle list that can be complete without the Range Rover/Land Rover lineup, IMHO.
"The 270 horsepower put out by that engine unfortunately fulfills the aforementioned F&F dreams of the douchebag at a price tag under $30K"
NISSAN has a car that isn't powered by a Singer sewing machine motor? Who knew?
Awww c'mon no fair...it's no fun unless you make fun of your own as well:
1. Ford SuperDuty/Chevy Silverado 2500HD/Dodge Ram 2500
The two ton pickup that says "Small penis on board." Favored by displaced rednecks, wannabe "survivalists" and those who never lost the dream of sitting in with Bon Jovi. Usually outfitted with a huge tool box and treated bed although 90% of drivers have never touched a hammer or been on a construction site. Extra numbnuts points if a confederate flag is prominently displayed, especially in the northeastern US. Those with gun manufacturer logo or McCain/Palin bumper stickers festooning every available inch of bumper and back window space are common, and the sign of a seriously maladjusted individual.
Said operators can usually be found online in gun forums, in gun stores and any other related enviornment with an almost 0% female population. Also easily identified by their childish "He's not my President" t-shirts, which they would have felt would have warranted execution had people worn "Fugg Bush" shirts a few years ago.
2. New Charger/New Camaro
The vehicle that says "I was nowhere near being a badass when musclecars first came out, but now I carry a gun, mace, a "tactical" knife and wear a beard, watch out world!" Usually driven by your typical 40 or 50-something idiot with too much time and money on his hands. 90% of the time the owner has a vintage model of said vehicle in varying states of rusted disrepair praying for a quick death in his garage. Watch the pride glow on the face of the owner as he does 27 mph in a 55 zone in his "American" car made with 90% foreign sourced materials.
3. Ford Taurus/Chevy Malibu
Ahhh, what your average numbnuts puts his wife and kids in. For the man whose stubborn nationalism and crackhead-like obsession with all things american won't let him admit that the Japanese have been doing ho-hum people movers of much better quality, reliability and workmanship for at least 20 years. "Safety schmafety, this bad boy was assembled in Tuscaloosa, AL!!".
Watch him giggle uncontrollably at the relative cheap cost of the myriad of repairs that have to be done on the vehicle in the first year of ownership. "It's on it's third starter, but they were only $135 a piece. Toyota starters are $140!!". On a first name basis with their mechanic's in-laws.
4. Chevy El Camino
The automotive equivalent of the Mullet. Almost never seen without gray primer covering at least 20% of the body. Look for "No Fear" window stickers, then you'll know you're dealing with a true numbnuts. Typically driven by those "self-reliant" types who couldn't find their own socks without their wives' assistance. Also look for the mall ninja boots and safari type vest that says "I'm a proud gun-carrying member of the NRA, shoot me first!" Various fishing/camping/hiking equipment. Can usually be seen stowed in the bed. Often spotted with black labs and golden retrievers chained to the vehicle and an Orvis catalog on the dashboaard.
Now 98% of Civic SI owners fall into your category. I am part of the remaining 2%. My Civic SI is a fully prepped National Auto Sport Association Time Trial road racing car. I get where you were going with your list and like the Civic you are correct most of the time but 9 of 10 are cars that became full race cars for us amateurs....
--Doug
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