Discuss...

Saw this video on Facebook yesterday:



Now, there was a lively discussion on whether the guy was a loon, or trolling. I think he's trolling. There's a couple times in the video where he cracks himself up, you can hear him chuckling. When he gets to the end of the first verse in "Rudolph," he has to pause to compose himself.

"Thank you lord, for the cars he did not jump in front of" - that does not sound to me like someone that's honestly upset about a deer tied to the back of a truck...

As for the transport of the deer, well, all I can say to the driver of the white suburban is enjoy your exhaust. You're out on the highway with your deer pretty much hanging right over your vehicle's exhaust pipe, so that yummy venison is getting marinated polyaromatic hydrocarbons. Yum, yum. 

So, what do you think - is the guy serious or cracking wise?

That is all.

The Real Menace...

While we're all distracted about gay marriage, Caitlyn Jenner or the Confederate flag, the true enemy is still out there, patiently biding its time until ready to strike. This story is but a warning...

Dolphin Leaps Into Family's Boat, Breaks Mom's Ankles

One California family's Father's Day outing at sea turned into pure chaos when a dolphin swimming next to their boat leaped inside — and broke mom's ankles.

Dirk and Chrissie Frickman and their two daughters were celebrating the holiday — the first day of summer and the couples 18th wedding anniversary — when a pod of dolphins began swimming by their boat as they were heading back to the Dana Point Harbor in Orange County.

It begins.



You have been warned...

That is all.

If You Quote Yourself, It's Not Plagiarism...

I couldn't resist...

On a side note, why doesn't Roy Rogers come with a Trigger warning?

That is all.

I'm Very Truly Sorry...

Joseph in IL sent this story in. You have been warned...

Popping stalled truck's hood yields scaly surprise

When a woman's pickup stalled on a street in Santa Fe, New Mexico, local chef Jackson Ault stopped to lend a hand.

Ault and the driver both ended up with a surprise Thursday when Ault popped the hood and found a brown and yellow python slithering across the engine block.

I think, in the grand scheme of things that would result in "Jay running around and screaming like a little girl," finding a damn 20-pound python under the hood of the Earthf**ker would be right up near the top of the list. I mean, I guess it's logical - one of the critters that like to make their homes in car motors are mice, which are nice, tasty snake chow when you get right down to it.

Why do I hear Samuel L. Jackson right now (NSFW):



I do have to wonder, though: Was the cause of the stalling the ... [this is the part I'm sorry about] ... serpentine belt?

That is all.

Caution: Bad Language Alert

Holy crap. Saw this on Facebook last night and laughed so hard I think I pulled something in my larynx...



Wicked pissah!

That is all.

What Hosers!

{chortle}

This Town Built a Memorial to the Wrong Guy

Officials in Ottawa — the national capital — recently bankrolled a public art project intended to celebrate the late Jack Purcell, a local man who mended broken hockey sticks and gave them away to neighborhood children.

But bureaucrats in the country’s capital somehow blew the installation. Big time.

Instead of a tribute to their beloved community member, who already has a park named after him, Ottawans received a baffling memorial dedicated to an entirely different Jack Purcell.

The intended Jack Purcell spent his free time mending broken hockey sticks and giving them to poor Canadian children. Because every hoser deserves a stick, eh?

The other Jack Purcell was a badminton champion (they have those! Who knew?). So the statues wound up being some avant garde (see, a shout-oot to the French Canadians!) statute that looks somewhat like a badminton racquet without strings.

Oopsie...

That is all.

Words Fail Me, Part ??

Joseph in IL sent this in. No, I have no idea, either...

Police: Man stole bread truck, made deliveries

A man stole a New York City bread truck and began delivering loaves of savory baked goods to random businesses, the bakery's owner said Thursday.

David Bastar hopped into the Grimaldi's Home of Bread truck on Manhattan's Upper East Side early Monday while the real driver was making a delivery at a pizzeria, according to police.

Reportedly wearing only his underwear, Bastar then allegedly began dropping off baguettes, whole-wheat rolls and sourdough bread — but not to the bakery's customers, said Joe Grimaldi, the owner of the baker in the Ridgewood neighborhood of Queens.

1% of the breadmakers have 99% of the routes! OccupyNissen! Robin BakerHood to the rescue!

Every once in a while a story comes along that's just so... odd... that it makes you pause. This dude - dressed only in his tidy whities, mind you - hops into a bread truck (Don't ever leave your vehicle unlocked, folks!) and takes off. As if this isn't bad enough, he starts distributing baked goods at random, like some misdirected Johnny Appleseed.

I would hope that for his sake and for the sake of the rest of the New York Baker's Associations that he gets professional help. Maybe he can wean his way off stealing bread trucks gradually, going to stealing ice cream trucks and then down to only moving hot dog carts a few feet.

You could say this guy's a few slices short of a loaf...

That is all.

Monday Humor...

Blame OldNFO for this timely bit of humor...

In honor of Mother’s Day yesterday…

Mom didn't have a whole lot of patience with modern theories on how to bring up children. She always used to say "I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids."

So here's to you, Mom, and all the other mothers out there. Happy Mother's Day.

+++++++

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

+++++++

Miss Jones had just given her second-grade students a science lesson. She had explained about magnets, and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time.

Miss Jones said, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

++++++++

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die!'

Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there a man on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved.

He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and get me a beer."

Wokka wokka wokka!

That is all.

Today's Yuks...

I figured this was especially relevant today.

What do Joseph Stalin, Pete Seeger, and Vladimir Lenin have in common?

They're all good communists.

That is all.

Friday Fun...

Oh sweet fuzzy Vishnu. Y'all have GOT to read this...

The 17 Stupidest Facebook Statuses Ever Published.

Just... Go read. SRSLY.

I think this one is my favorite:

Three guesses who *she* voted for in 2012...

That is all.

Monday Afternoon Chuckle...

This one comes from OldNFO. A quick check reveals that the book referenced is entirely real; it would be simple to find out if this story is, in fact, in the book. In any case, here's the story:

*Sometimes, it's not really just luck.*

Elmer Bendiner was a navigator in a B-17 during WW II. He tells this story of a World War II bombing run over Kassel , Germany , and the unexpected
result of a direct hit on their gas tanks. "Our B-17, the Tondelayo, was barraged by flak from Nazi antiaircraft guns. That was not unusual, but on
this particular occasion our gas tanks were hit.

Later, as I reflected on the miracle of a 20 millimeter shell piercing the fuel tank without touching off an explosion, our pilot, Bohn Fawkes, told me it was not quite that simple. On the morning following the raid, Bohn had gone down to ask our crew chief for that shell as a souvenir of unbelievable luck. The crew chief told Bohn that not just one shell but 11 had been found in the gas tanks. 11 unexploded shells where only one was sufficient to blast us out of the sky. It was as if the sea had been parted for us. A near-miracle, I thought. Even after 35 years, so awesome an event leaves me shaken, especially after I heard the rest of the story from Bohn.

"He was told that the shells had been sent to the armorers to be defused. The armorers told him that Intelligence had picked them up. They could not say why at the time, but Bohn eventually sought out the answer. "Apparently when the armorers opened each of those shells, they found no explosive charge. They were as clean as a whistle and just as harmless. Empty? Not all of them! One contained a carefully rolled piece of paper. On it was a scrawl in Czech. The Intelligence people scoured our base for a man who could read Czech. Eventually they found one to decipher the note. It set us marveling.

Translated, the note read:

*"This is all we can do for you now........."* "Using Jewish slave labor is never a good idea."

Here's another kicker for you: Imagine the German gunners who thought they were missing the plane with those shells...

That is all.

Grand Rapids, Here We Come!

Joseph in IL had some good news for us today...

City to strike ban on being willfully annoying

It's soon expected to be OK to be willfully annoying in Grand Rapids.

The Grand Rapids Press reports that the City Commission is nixing a 38-year-old section of city code that states "no person shall willfully annoy another person."

Good, because I've been staying away from Grand Rapids my entire adult life for just that reason...

It always amuses me to see recaps of the inane laws still on the books in many places. As it turns out, there's an entire website devoted to them:

Dumb Laws

(I would wager there are many websites, but this is the first one that popped up)

Looking around the round world, it seems stupid laws are in all 50 states. Like my new state:

Dumb laws in Virginia

Spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated.

 

Women must wear a corsette after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone.

Or my old state:

Dumb laws in Massachusetts

It is illegal to give beer to hospital patients.

Candy may not contain more than 1% of alcohol.

Dumb laws aren't limited to the US, either. In Thailand, you cannot wear a kilt:

It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.

In Israel, they have some bizarre rituals:

It is forbidden to bring bears to the beach.

Were sunbathing bruins really that big of a problem in the promised land?

Anyways, I'm sure that in each and every one of these instances, there's a compelling reason why the law was passed. Maybe it made sense at the time. Maybe it was in response to a specific incident. Maybe it's just a law that time forgot, like the rules about placing placards on motorcars in case you overtake a horse and carriage.

At least we don't have dumb, pointless laws that don't make any sense these days, right?

That is all.

That is all.

Monday Larf

As usual, blame OldNFO for this one...

The Queen was visiting a military hospital in Scotland. A physician was showing her all the wards.

"Your Majesty, this is our orthopedic unit. You see all these soldiers in casts. They are progressing nicely."

He took her to another ward, where patients were working on exercise machines, and learning how to walk again. "These soldiers are being physically rehabilitated."

They progressed from ward to ward, until they came to a room where there were several Black Watch guardsmen in full kilts, sporran, skean dhu and bonnet. One was reciting,

"O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us

To see oursels as others see us."

Another was declaiming,

"A man's a man for a'that..."

Another was reciting,

"My heart's in the Highlands,

My heart is not here;

My heart's in the Highlands,

A-chasin' the deer..."

The queen asked her guide, "Psychiatric ward?"

Replied the doctor,

[wait for it]

"No, Your Majesty. This is the Serious Burns Unit."

Hey, I warned you, didn't I?

That is all.

NOW We Know What Happened!

Gerry sends in this pictorial evidence of what caused the collapse at the Corvette museum:

Guess you broke into the wrong got-damned 'Vette room, didn'tcha?

That is all.

Tuesday Afternoon Humor...

Thank OldNFO for these. Or blame him. Either way, have a larf this Tuesday PM...

---

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

---

Some of these are so true I hesitate to call them jokes...

That is all.

Does This Sound Like Anyone We Know?

Joseph in IL sent this story in. He thinks it sounds like someone we all know...

Because of chilly weather, police chief announces he’s cancelling ‘all criminal activity’

WDJT CBS 58 News is reporting on an interesting strategy by one Wisconsin town’s police chief to curtail crime. Yesterday, Chief Peter Hoell took to the Germantown Police Department’s Facebook page and gave his “commentary.”

It IS going to be cold in Germantown today, our friends at Yahoo! Weather are giving a high only going up to 2 degrees. The wind chill will make it feel like minus 25 degrees. So, cold. If this works, I can imagine a lot of police chiefs are going to want to give this a shot. Personally speaking, because of this Facebook message I know I won’t be committing any crimes in Germantown, Wisconsin today.

Something tells me that the crime in Germantown, WI (population of the county is 19K) will take a hiatus regardless of the chief's comments - no one wants to be out doing much of anything when the temperature is -25ºF! Joseph thought that the chief sounded like our very own LawDog - I can hear LD saying something like this, no question.

Reminds me of a story from my dad's days on the MA State Police when Dad was stationed at Logan Airport. He had the overnight shift, and around 3 in the morning, when only a handful of dazed international travelers were about, one of the resident wiseguys got ahold of the intercom and made the following announcement:

"Attention. Attention everyone. This is G-d. Tomorrow has been cancelled due to lack of interest."

[click]

There are still some people out there that think He spoke to them in that airport...

That is all.

Monday Funnies...

OldNFO makes with the yuks today...

The 2013 Darwin Awards are out!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved  among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The frustrated gunman walked away.
[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick mancurled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough!

Yeah, I'm not too sure about that last one. Having driven a few RVs in my time, you'd be hard-pressed to mistake the gasoline filler for the black water discharge - but then again, these are stupid criminals we're talking about. Someone looking to siphon gasoline out of someone's recreational vehicle isn't exactly a criminal mastermind here...

Have a good rest of your Monday the 13th, folks!

That is all.

Sounds About Right...

Brad_in_MA sent this one in. He thinks OldNFO should fact-check this one:

LITTLE KNOWN TIDBIT OF NAVAL HISTORY

The U. S. S.. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whiskey, and 48,600 gallons of stagnant water.

I'd imagine that some of the water would have been used for cleaning purposes and the like, but in those days, it was better to drink the rum, Scotch, and wine than standing water. I suspect this is more urban legend/wishful thinking than fact, but I can't help but wonder how much is true - the stereotype of the drunken sailor had to some from somewhere.

In fact, it meshes with something my father-in-law, a Navy veteran, told me about his first time at sea. Apparently, the "cure" for seasickness was to take the new recruits out on the town the night before their first deployment and get them truly and thoroughly snockered. This ensured that the following morning, as the ship got underway, the new guys would be far too hungover to be seasick. They would be too busy heaving over the rails because of the previous night's carousing to suffer the effects of being on the water, and would be fine after that.

It's one of those things, it's just crazy enough to work! 

That is all.

Monday Yuks...

Blame OldNFO for this one...

On a high school biology test, the last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'

The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard pressed to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is the perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the floor where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

Necessity isn't the mother of invention, desperation is...

That is all.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Everybody's Good For Something...

#1 Blogdaughter sends in a story that really drives that point home. Everyone is good for something - even if that something is to serve as a cautionary example. Or scare away pirates.

Britney Spears’ music used to fight Somali pirates

Britney Spears is being used as a secret weapon to fight Somali pirates.

The singer’s hits are being blasted out by tanker crews to deter kidnap attacks, merchant navy officer Rachel Owens told Metro UK.

Spears’s chart-toppers “Oops! I Did It Again" and "Baby One More Time” have proved to be the most effective at keeping the bandits at bay, she said.

Isn't that a kick in the teeth? After spending millions of dollars in ransom money, it turns out that all shipping companies need to do is invest a grand or so in a kickass stereo system and a few bucks on iTunes and the pirates all scatter.

I can't tell is this is a joke or a very clever ploy by Britney Spears' publicist. Perhaps this is to drum up some publicity for the once-been star. Maybe it's a clunky attempt to secure free passage on cruise ships for the fading star as her heyday rapidly grows in the rear-view mirror.

In any case, I get a major case of the giggles when I think of Somali pirates recoiling in horror at "Hit Me Baby One More Time"...

That is all.